One day I’ll start a post with good news.

I had a seizure from 12 pm to 2.30 pm. No recollection, just eerie muscle aching, head laying on desk. Fortunately, no dents in my head this time. I did bust my lip but that I don’t mind so much. So that’s the timer reset to today, for the driving license I need to have no seizures for 12 months. This was the longest I’ve been without seizures. 10 days. Well, it’s a start. I’m also trying to understand the symptoms so I can beat it and lie down before it happens. Since I don’t have a memory a few minutes prior or post, it makes it difficult.

Today has been a quiet day, I’ve been spending it either zoned out or hyper-vigilant, with music playing so it’s not too bad. Did the remote school run, asking the kids how their day was. It’s a nice thing for me as I feel more included in their lives. Granted, I can’t do much remotely, but I do control the good behavior system and allocate money depending on the job. I started thinking they were making up what they said they were doing, so new photo evidence is required before payment of services, which S did without arguing.

Ugh. Hate this spaced-out feeling. My eyes are heavy despite heavy rubbing, just in case it was the moisturizer that I put on. But no. I slip between awake and doing things, to half-sleep energy drained. Wonder what’s causing it.

The flat

Good news though, it’s almost the 29th when the flat will be ready. I’ve been checking in for what seems like forever to see if it’s done earlier but no. I can’t buy anything yet till I’ve seen the inside of the flat and can plan where things go.

My priorities:

  1. Pay a week’s worth of rent as a deposit.
  2. Use saved money to get a man with a van to move everything Doti has packed.
  3. If the oven and stove are working, great. If not, pick up an air fryer from FB Marketplace.
  4. Get some sort of bed to sleep on. The council said they’d help with that.

If I can get these four main priorities done, then I’ll be really happy. There are a few things to take apart from the cartons, such as a coffee machine, budgies, a chest of drawers that currently live on top of each other, a white foldaway desk, and my chair. I also need to look for a sofa, so off to the charity shops I go. It needs to be a sofa bed as I’ll be sleeping on it until I can afford a bed, unless the council puts one in before I move in. Otherwise, I have plenty of blankets.

flat white and blue striped throw pillow on white bed
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Twitchy leg syndrome

God, my legs won’t stop being twitchy tonight. Usually, I take magnesium so it doesn’t happen. When I was going through the meds yesterday, I forgot to put some in. I figured I could do with a break. It’s only been two days, haha. Just taken two now, and I’ll put the magnesium bottle next to the pre-made meds.

I’m so dizzy; it’s ridiculous. I can’t even see straight. I tried sleeping it off, but the power nap didn’t shift it. Some exciting news for me. Bestie has said he will come along for a fishing holiday in a few months. Wood cabin by the river or feeder lake, and he’ll cook what I catch. Hopefully, sometime early summer, we can hit the water and see what we can find. He has also offered his excellent cooking skills once I’m set up to show me a few easy singleton meals. Looking forward to that.

It was R’s 13th birthday on Saturday. she bought this amazing ring from Pandora with her birthday money, which was great. Ugh, the dizziness hits. Today, I was at D’s house at 7 am to wait in for a parcel for her. Played with the dogs, which equates to me lying on the floor, going mental, and a stampede. Wouldn’t have it any other way. Headed back to the hotel after things were delivered and flirted with music and the news. Today is also work (volunteer) day, so I was instructing J on how to set up a web server with the task of creating a PHP file which used a MySQL back end. I’ve not heard from him since.

Need to get hold of Day as it’s been a couple of days, but we’ve done the daily check-in for three weeks.

The twitchy leg syndrome is starting to wear off, which is awesome as I hate that feeling.

Hope you’re all having fantastic days.

yrestless leg syndrome oung fit ethnic sportsman exercising on street in city
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He150ken. A delayed treat.


He159ken as a delayed treat tonight. I was supposed to have a beer on Friday, but for whatever reason, I didn’t pick one up. Not that I actually go to shops to buy things, but I didn’t get it with the usual Deliveroo shop on a Thursday to D’s house, to then take back with me to Das Motel.

So yes, He159ken, as it’s known this year, is quite a nice break from the odd ales that I would pick from. My dad used to work at the He159ken brewery in Holland. I think that might have led to my decision. I feel so sorry for the delivery people today though. so we had 4 deliveries at D’s house. I’m sure the neighbors must think bad things, but I had Amazon dropping off a game for me and R to play next time she visits, which will be here at the motel. But we will be going to a cafe to have tea and cake, then back here for board games. I need to check if we could sit in the function room here as more space to play.

Aside from the game, two food shops came in for treats for everyone, and then a beer shop with two bottles. There was an offer on for £7 for two and no delivery fees, which isn’t that bad. I know it’s cheaper to walk to the shop but don’t know if I could last that long. Although thinking about it, I should have tried. My head is still a bit wobbly from yesterday’s denting.

I spent the day at D’s, which was oddly enjoyable. It was nice spending some time with B when D went out to collect S. I got the Nintendo Switches all sorted for B, S, R, and me with a yearly family pass thing. £45, including the expansion packs, which was a really good deal. You can have up to 8 people in the group, so 4 left. I’m not sure if you all have to be under the same roof, but it’s working for R, who doesn’t live at D’s, so should be fine.

I think I expect too much of the kids now that they are teenagers. So hanging out with Dad isn’t cool anymore or anything, but it makes me a little sad. I asked a few times, went to their rooms, and no. S was in a sulk, and B just wanted to play on his machine, even though I charged and set up his Switch to run from the group account so he can get all the family perks. I did get a goodbye by him yelling from a closed door, so I guess that’s something?

So I’m back at the motel now; the heating has been on, so I’m nice and warm for a change. I dropped my washing off with reception for two loads (£5 per load), not expecting it to be ready for a week, but they left it today in my room, all washed, dried, and folded. Awesome. D also washed one of my jumpers, so at least I’ll be warm during the day when the heating’s off or if I go meet people I was supposed to meet in town, but I’ll try that again this week.

My psychotherapy has also come through after a 3-year wait. That starts on Thursday at the hospital for 1 hour a week. I had the respiratory clinic on Friday, and they think I have COPD, which makes sense when I smoked from 13 all the way till I was 30, so pretty much no new treatment. Take the blue inhaler when I need to and take the purple/brown one a day. Come back every year for a check-up.

I think I’ve turned another corner with me and D and moving on with stuff, I don’t have gut-wrenching agony when I leave, and I’m starting to see D as a friend more than anything else. I still need to stop buying her random treats when I order stuff, but that’s more a habit and a recognition that she deserves it for doing everything.

The D-day is finally coming towards us for the flat. I just need to get inside and see what I need and what I want to do. Considering I’m putting all my eggs in one basket, I really hope the place is okay in terms of neighbors, space, and things like that. They made it clear that if I reject this one, I will lose my homeless status, and I’d have to bid for houses and have the customary 1-year wait. But yeah, that’s where I’m up to with things.


Beer = win.
Kids could be better but all part of growing up. No heart breaking when I leave D’s house, and generally in a good place today for a change, which is awesome.

Seizures. Surprise Surprise

It’s been a weird day. I was supposed to go see the kids, but I had 3 seizures last night and didn’t fall asleep until 6am. So when I got up at 11am, I was very groggy. I banged my forehead again (zero recollection) and lost 3 hours. Then it happened again at midnight and then an hour at 2.30am. I can still hardly walk to the bathroom and back. Hell, even typing this is difficult as my fingers are still cold (heating is on). Staring at the screen makes me want to throw up.

Oh wait there is more moaning

I got everything ready for a shower the other day. Due to mental health reasons, I don’t shower as much, so I sink-wash. But when I work myself up enough, I go for a proper shower. Moving on, I got into the shower, turned it on, and started doing my hair. Then I noticed the drain is clogged. Since it’s a walk-in shower, it rapidly overflowed. I stopped the shower, got out, and tried to see what’s clogging it, but couldn’t.

Then the pain started as soon as I got up. It felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back, poured petrol on it, and lit it. So, back to being on hands and knees, wet and freezing. Stupid me didn’t take my stick with me, so I managed to grab a towel and dry myself on the floor. Then, hands and knees to my stick, then over to the chair and pulled myself up before getting some painkillers. The bathroom is a mess, but I thought I’ll take care of it later. Ugh. Frikkin’ showers. I told the receptionist that it’s broken, and she smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t know how to fix that, but I’ll leave them a note. It will be Monday or Tuesday, I’m guessing.” Stupid seizures, stupid shower and stupid me.

Today i’ve pretty much done nothing. watched some random stuff and playing a game and annoying people online.

A dull post am afraid.

On day release (still cold)

So I left shortly after that post, the heating came on only for a few moments, so I was that cold I got an Uber to D’s house and sat there with the dogs warming up. The Uber ride over in the afternoon was amazing. He had the heating up on full, so I said “I love the heating in your car”. He laughed and said he liked it cozy rather than ice-cold. I could have hugged him.

Got to the house and sorted the dogs out. They managed to get into some treats and a bin was kindly emptied, but they didn’t do their business in the house, so that’s generally a win. I had a delivery with some sauces, soaps, and a few other bits for when I’m in the flat as a treat. Well, not really a treat for anyone else (except maybe S) as it’s hot sauces, mayo, and ketchup. All sorts. So that’s another box to the growing mountain in the lounge. Sat down as the cold buggered off.

Kids came home so I surprised them both with Maltesers, which they both love. I spent ten minutes talking with them. Before I knew it, I was being dragged upstairs to watch B on MS Flight Simulator. He knows all the button switches, how to lay in a course, and loads of other stuff I had no idea about until he told me. Airline pilot or programmer. I could settle for either.

I was treated to pasta, toasties, and a homemade apple & pear crumble. Hot food. So satisfying and appreciated.

And to sum it up… (less cold)

I got back to the hotel, opened the door and warm air hit me in the face. The room was so lovely and warm. Then sat down, scheduled some posts, talked to Day, and now I’ll make a cup of tea, email the best friend, and listen to music.

cold close up photography of penguin on snow
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Freezing. Still. Bastards

I’m pretty sure my vape fluid has thickened and turned into a solid *flicks tank* yup. The handyman came round yesterday to look at the list of things that weren’t working. I promise I’m not some arse of a customer who sits and moans all the time, but my god, they are slow here. So the handyman came round, explained that someone with long hair has clogged the sink, and it just won’t drain fast enough. So we fixed that, and I explained that unfortunately, I don’t have lovely golden locks of hair. Next one: light bulb. Instead of taking the broken one out as a reference, he came back twice with the wrong bulb. Then the best one is the heating. He checked it, and everything was fine with it, but no. Still nothing. He said they would have to call a plumber. Freezing.

Freezing. Freezing. Can’t feel fingers.

Fast forward to now, the cleaning staff said it has been cold, and turns out no one had any heating since summer. Fml. Apparently, someone switched it off and must have forgotten to put it back on. Which all the guests here have been freezing. Apparently, it will be turned on soon.

Today I’m feeling a little bit low. It could be the cold causing it because all I want to do is get warm. Even thought about going to D’s house just for respite. The electric blanket is great in theory but not very practical with the short cable. Also got this stupid cough again. I did make an appointment with the doctor this morning who triaged me into next week, thanks NHS. Not even a face to face, that’s the wait for an ’emergency’ call back. Oh well, I guess if they aren’t concerned, then that’s fine.

Not like when they said “If you were to swallow a month’s worth of pills at once, it wouldn’t do much but make you sleepy.” That was just the most fucked up conversation I’ve had in a loooong time. So, for future records I can take all my meds, a month’s worth at 21 per day mandatory comes to 588 a month. Then throw in the diazepam and codeine if I take all them as well, give us 700 pills.

OMG OMG Heating is on!!

freezing dog wearing crochet scarf with fringe while sitting on snow selective focus photography
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Seizures. All day. ALL day.

Talk about relentless all day, the seizures were constant and I couldn’t do a thing about them. I had two in the morning, which left me in bed as they came with paralysis on my left hand side. Then another one at 6 pm, which is why I’m finding it so hard to type things out. So why do a post? Stubborn, mostly. Since I was bedridden, I slept on and off all day, so my body clock is out. It’s 2.52 am here.

So, I’m feeling better about the divorce and the fact that, at least on my part, we are still friends. Even if it’s for the kids’ sake, they are old enough to understand. Besides, they get an extra birthday, extra Christmas. I’m still around a few days every week. Ugh, this is annoying. Whenever I type, it’s missing letters. Hopefully, the spell check will find them.

The jerking is still the most annoying side of this whole thing. Imagine someone following you who randomly pushes your arms out. So reaching for a drink makes you tip it out or drop food. All sorts, so you just say sorry all the time; I hate it.

I’ll stop before the rambling gets worse.

Random Musings

So random thoughts and musings going on in my mind today. I saw R today; her mum dropped her off at D’s house. We walked down to a local cafe and had lunch, cake, and tea. Well, she had a smoothie.

Shit. Seizuring. Not long, 1 minute. Listening to music, and when that happens, it’s a weird one. There I am, listening to a song, and then poof minute gone. I’m not surprised that it’s happening; it’s late, and I had a busy day. But yes, a nice little reminder “hi fnd is stiill here have a zap”. My hands are still numb, but it’s spread to my palm on my left hand; the right hand isn’t as bad now, but oddly my little toe is numb as well, which is completely random. I’ll make an appointment with the GP tomorrow.

The motel

~~Exciting development in the motel. I heard rats outside my window. Squeaking away as they scuttled around. I know they have rat traps, but yeah. Fun. So I’m keeping the window closed and guarding my stash of noodles, tuna, and salmon.

One night when I came back late, this must have been a week ago now, I walked into the motel and this guy was standing close behind me. As it was after curfew, I had to type the code on the keypad. So I started to worry as the guy was standing quite close, like he was going to run in after me. So I stared at him, he showed me his key. He doesn’t speak a word of English, is black, and looks like he’s from Africa as he has a twinge of a French accent. So that’s just by the way. I showed him the code and showed him how to get in. Turns out he’s my next-door neighbor with bad habits. I can hear him constantly making weird, random noises. Wailing, giggling, sighing really loudly. Now I have to shake my legs constantly, so tapping. The problem is my desk is against his wall, so I know that when I shake, I’m then shaking something in his room. I started doing it more and more while he still makes odd noises. Then I can hear him moving things, looking for the source. It amuses me. Simple things.~~

In closing…

struggling to type at the moment. They keep happening. I’ll go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for a bit. Oh, and still no heating. My caseworker has been in touch with the housing team to get them to ask why it isn’t on. Most hotels I have been in always have the heating on, and you just set the thermostat to what you need. Anyways, random. Sums up this place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy here, I have a bed instead of a sofa, and now with an electric blanket, it keeps me warm.

random white pills spilled on table
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So I've been keeping myself busy the past couple of days with the charity work which seems to be undergoing some crisis at the moment. Something to do with funding and them scrambling to sort out bids. Fortunately, I'm not involved in that side of it, but just the tech side of stuff. So day to day refurbishing, issuing plans, and arranging drop-offs and collections. It helps them. It helps me by keeping me grounded and busy.

I've been looking at different jobs on LinkedIn and found a few I would like to try; they are remote roles which is perfect for me and the mental health stuff. Just trying to find a part-time one so I can keep up the other stuff.

I think answering the job QOTD led me down this path and started to make me think that paid employment should be tried again. I keep going through loops of working and not working depending on how bad things are. They aren't stable at the moment, but that doesn't mean I should stop helping people. The job side, I'm just looking at for the moment so maybe I have something in place when I eventually move out of this godforsaken hotel/motel. They still aren't putting the heating on, but my secret weapon came yesterday: a heated blanket. So I've put it under the sheets to lay on and then duvet and another fleece on top of that. Shall be giving it a test run once I've finished the blog.

So my brother just called after ripping his sore tooth out. He got drunk first and then started pulling. It saves what would be £200 for an extraction by a dentist, which he just didn't have spare the past few months. Quite a sad state of affairs in this country when people have a DIY extraction as a solution rather than getting it done professionally. I said I'd have a look around for any antibiotics I can send him just in case it gets infected. Told him to stick a wedge/roll of tissue in the gap and hold it there until it stops bleeding. Hopefully, he won't pass out and choke on his own blood. Crisis. Crisis indeed.

I was up at four am this morning with mind-numbing earache on my left hand side. It came out of nowhere. Fortunately, I have medication I can take, codeine, and that killed it after about an hour. I managed to get back to sleep at 8 am and was up for 11 am to get the day started.

Tomorrow I'm back on emails and meetings to keep me busy. It's Suzi's birthday on Friday, so looking forward to that. We've managed to get an iPad sorted for her birthday with all the frills (case, protector, and drawing pen). Throw in a takeaway, and it's a party. It'll be nice getting it all set up for her, but she's old enough to do all that herself now. 14. That's just crazy. Rebecca will be coming over on Sunday as well; she's asked to go to a cafe for quality time. I found a place not too far from D's house, so we will hobble over to it Sunday morning. Hopefully, it's open. As I can't drive if it isn't, so the backup plan is cake and tea at D's house.

Looking forward to going to a warm bed. 6°C outside, means the room is pretty cold. The heating is still only an hour in the morning and an hour at night. Jumpers are fine during the day, but heated blanket, I love you.

crisis white paper on a vintage typewriter
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Seizures & FND = Double tag team

Seizures. I had a seizure again. I lost two hours this time, so it was shorter than a full-blown one but longer than a small one. I’m starting to lose hope, a little bit every time one comes. It isn’t about banging or not banging my head off something; it’s the sheer randomness of the seizure that makes it debilitating. I worry about it, and that just makes it worse. Then it’s the resetting of the clock on when I can drive again. I need to go at least three months; I’ve gone two weeks for major ones. The five-second ones come and go.

Seizures that can’t be treated or prevented, really. Due to my EUPD, I generally handle emotions terribly as a rule, but due to the medication, I never really know how I’m feeling, so it kind of jumps on me and causes the brain implosions. I don’t like the seizure. Let’s call it FND attacks; it’s more accurate than seizures. I feel like one is coming on now. If I were to close my eyes, I would probably hit the deck.

And then..

In other amazing news, my carpal tunnel has come back in both hands, but the worst one is my left hand, oddly enough. The pinky is constantly numb, and the right hand is just a little bit better. Still numb, which makes typing all sorts of joy. I had surgery on both hands a few years ago, which was a success. They did the right hand first, so plus point, if you ever need to learn to use your left hand, get the right one done (opposite if you’re a lefty), and then you have to learn how to wipe your bum. It’s a life skill.

FND five-second one.


Giving up soon.

Living in the motel isn’t doing me any favors anyway. But that’s just the way it has to be until the flat is sorted.

I maintain the giving up.

seizures and elvis
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