Seizures. Surprise Surprise

It’s been a weird day. I was supposed to go see the kids, but I had 3 seizures last night and didn’t fall asleep until 6am. So when I got up at 11am, I was very groggy. I banged my forehead again (zero recollection) and lost 3 hours. Then it happened again at midnight and then an hour at 2.30am. I can still hardly walk to the bathroom and back. Hell, even typing this is difficult as my fingers are still cold (heating is on). Staring at the screen makes me want to throw up.

Oh wait there is more moaning

I got everything ready for a shower the other day. Due to mental health reasons, I don’t shower as much, so I sink-wash. But when I work myself up enough, I go for a proper shower. Moving on, I got into the shower, turned it on, and started doing my hair. Then I noticed the drain is clogged. Since it’s a walk-in shower, it rapidly overflowed. I stopped the shower, got out, and tried to see what’s clogging it, but couldn’t.

Then the pain started as soon as I got up. It felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back, poured petrol on it, and lit it. So, back to being on hands and knees, wet and freezing. Stupid me didn’t take my stick with me, so I managed to grab a towel and dry myself on the floor. Then, hands and knees to my stick, then over to the chair and pulled myself up before getting some painkillers. The bathroom is a mess, but I thought I’ll take care of it later. Ugh. Frikkin’ showers. I told the receptionist that it’s broken, and she smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t know how to fix that, but I’ll leave them a note. It will be Monday or Tuesday, I’m guessing.” Stupid seizures, stupid shower and stupid me.

Today i’ve pretty much done nothing. watched some random stuff and playing a game and annoying people online.

A dull post am afraid.

What’s in my bag?

I found a list of different interesting things to fill in here when I’m struggling with thoughts. Cheating but more help than cheat.

I’m still tired. I managed to drop off around 5am on the sofa surrounded by dogs. I’m shattered but it did the trick, I didn’t toss and turn thinking of things, I just passed out and had normal dreams. I’m regretting it now because I’m so tired. It’s hard to explain the level at which I cannot be bothered with thoughts while I try and sleep. I can lay there for hours just having someone run a commentary on my whole life and how much it sucks right now with the chronic pain stuff mixed with some mental health issues.

So back to the title of the post.

I have a bag. It’s blue. It contains EVERYTHING.

It’s my grab bag for when I leave the house. It has everything I need for emergencies that might crop up while I’m out. It’s a security blanket and makes me feel better having it near. So what’s in it?

Tile Tracker (hooked up to the house Alexa so D can find me)I
Pens & Notebook
Medication to last a week (in a pin code bag for safety)
Story Cubes in a handmade pouch (these have saved my brain so many times)
Surface Pad with charger
Multi-Purpose Tool
Crystals the kids bought me from a cave
Wipes, face mask, and alcohol gel
Unopened vape pen
Blue inhaler
Powerbank and cables
Pen drive

That’s about it. Some personal stuff in there as well for good measure. But it’s enough bits to get me through any problems I might have when I’m out of the house. When being an operative word here.

Baileys out of a shoe

That is two dogs now. Both were rescued from Poland and are now being fussed over and played with constantly. That’s me on the left as well. Dobby, the lovely hound on the left has just joined us. She is doing well apart from terrorizing the cat, but Bella now has a sanctuary upstairs.

Things are plodding along at the moment. I ran out of medication on Friday for a chronic pain condition and didn’t get any medication till mid-morning on Monday. The withdrawal effects were real and terrible. I’m p pretty sure it’s what triggered the mental health issues I’ve been having all weekend and, well, up until now. They are still there. Racing and intrusive thoughts. I’d read up on a mindfulness-type method of trying to distract yourself via counting objects.

So far so good with that one. You just pick something that you are going to count and you count away! I’ve found it takes a lot out of me after a while though. Having to focus on that then all of a sudden you can hear two thoughts at once so you double down your efforts and end up with a screaming headache at the end of it.

I managed to do violent sobbing yesterday morning, which is a new one for me. I’ve done angry crying but this was the next level. The dogs were confused but started licking me so I guess they wanted me to stop. In a nutshell, I was getting very frustrated with a relatively newly diagnosed chronic pain problem that I have to live with for life and it was the first time I realized the effect it has on me, my wife, and the kids. Well. Pretty much anyone in my life. Trying to think about what the future will be like and what I can do to make things better. The problem with that is looking at the future and realizing the burden you’ve become and that you don’t want to be that.

I’ve been playing with the latest chatbot over the past few days. Throwing different things at it to see what the response is. Namely, about Ukraine and what the global consensus is. Trying to stretch it but yeah, it’s been fun. Then I started asking questions about brass pipework and how much force is needed to blow the pipe apart, then electrical fuses and fireworks. It was at this point I realized I should stop trying to get chatbot weaponized or producing munitions. All fun and games!

Hope everyone has been well and hopefully will post more often as I get the chance 🙂 All the above to one side, I am functioning, I am working and I am living.