Freezing. Still. Bastards

I’m pretty sure my vape fluid has thickened and turned into a solid *flicks tank* yup. The handyman came round yesterday to look at the list of things that weren’t working. I promise I’m not some arse of a customer who sits and moans all the time, but my god, they are slow here. So the handyman came round, explained that someone with long hair has clogged the sink, and it just won’t drain fast enough. So we fixed that, and I explained that unfortunately, I don’t have lovely golden locks of hair. Next one: light bulb. Instead of taking the broken one out as a reference, he came back twice with the wrong bulb. Then the best one is the heating. He checked it, and everything was fine with it, but no. Still nothing. He said they would have to call a plumber. Freezing.

Freezing. Freezing. Can’t feel fingers.

Fast forward to now, the cleaning staff said it has been cold, and turns out no one had any heating since summer. Fml. Apparently, someone switched it off and must have forgotten to put it back on. Which all the guests here have been freezing. Apparently, it will be turned on soon.

Today I’m feeling a little bit low. It could be the cold causing it because all I want to do is get warm. Even thought about going to D’s house just for respite. The electric blanket is great in theory but not very practical with the short cable. Also got this stupid cough again. I did make an appointment with the doctor this morning who triaged me into next week, thanks NHS. Not even a face to face, that’s the wait for an ’emergency’ call back. Oh well, I guess if they aren’t concerned, then that’s fine.

Not like when they said “If you were to swallow a month’s worth of pills at once, it wouldn’t do much but make you sleepy.” That was just the most fucked up conversation I’ve had in a loooong time. So, for future records I can take all my meds, a month’s worth at 21 per day mandatory comes to 588 a month. Then throw in the diazepam and codeine if I take all them as well, give us 700 pills.

OMG OMG Heating is on!!

freezing dog wearing crochet scarf with fringe while sitting on snow selective focus photography
Photo by Benjamin Lehman on

The big bad wolf vs The Black dog

I did it. I managed to get up, have breakfast, two teas and a coffee and got dressed nicely for the consultant I saw at 9.30. Because they are building ( and god is a vengeful god) on the carparks the closest I could get was a 15-minute walk with a stick. I winched as every time I moved it felt like daggers. Got to K block to be told to go back outside loop around this building and be there. Looked a my watch. 9.20.Dammit Asked the guy to call the consultant’s office to know I’ll be five minutes late. Came out, a frikkin gradient and not in my favour! I stopped a few times but oh the feeling when you sit down is amazing. All your backbones melt away and you are hallucinating. I started getting anxious and angry with myself.

What if he won’t listen? what if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about? Little niggles popping me in the head. Finally, I was guided to yet another bad seat in what resembles a containment space. We made eye contact, well done, keep going. He confirmed some data with me, over twenty calls to the crisis team always make for great conversation. the fractured English was flowing. I then did what I didn’t want to happen. A goddam seizure. In the middle of a mental health assessment. I tried to deal with it as best as I could. I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands. I slowly started saying no repeatedly and just as all the periphery started turning black. I felt the fud of a hand on my shoulder, The doctor was asking what he needed to do, can he get me water, and things like that. 5 minutes and it was over. I blacked out but any for a few moments. My eyes were flickering in the back of my head but yeah that was too real.

Now this poor poor doctor, all of 25-29 years old had no clue what the hell he’d just seen. I just simply said, “Remember when you asked about FND? That’s some of the messed up stuff it makes me do, it is real and a very scary prospect. So we carried on talking about things, he loves fishing as well but hasn’t had the chance yet as he has only been in the UK for 9 months. We walked through the meds and I explained what is for what. We chatted about other stuff but didn’t realise the time when it got to nearly 11 am from 9.30 am. Which is odd as usually, it’s okay we will increase x and discharge. I’m pushing for an A.D.D diagnosis to go along with BPD, PTSD etc. Simply to be able to access resources faster. That, as I said, is a deal breaker. If they feel I have theN I can start lowering three-quarters of my meds and just survive on either a single pill from them.
He said he’d call me on Friday after he’d spoken to his colleagues. Will be interesting. He suggested an anti-epileptic tablet but explained it isn’t like that.

So. I went out, I got to my appointment, I attended and engaged. I hid back in the car but then went straight to Doti’s house and sorted the dogs out. Ended up sleeping on the sofa for an hour and then got on with my charity homework. Then went shopping at Asda and succeeded!

In agony now and should probably rest tomorrow. See how the legs are.

Personal torment, mental health by Library of Congress is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

A challenge

Hi guys,
If you cast your mind back a couple of months, I did a poem-a-day challenge. This time I want to do questions based on only ten days’ worth. I’ll be starting them tomorrow. Some of them are annoying, some funny and some even scandalous.

Hopefully, you guys have had a good day today. My back is killing but finally found a position in the chair that’s not causing spasms. Spasms are awesome when you are typing. Hey here is a free advert for you, Grammerly you are awesome, and I use you heavily. It’s a match made in heaven, you fix mistakes and I’m the world’s biggest mistake. Enough of that.

The past two days have been messed up. My brain, walking and sleeping. I’ve not banged my head since two days ago but had my finger almost break when my head fell on it. Whether these fun little seizures stop is anyone’s guess.

Shit. That was the under-the-rug stuff. Oh well. When I was in hospital the doctor warned me this might happen. So far it’s only happened at night and in front of a laptop. The first time I was flat out for 7 hours but was still upright so it was like. I was looking at the time, I blinked and then it was 6.59 in the morning. The next day I was in the middle of a post then woke up three hours later, my face planted on the laptop and desk and a HUGE lump on my forehead from the edge of the laptop. The next day, the same thing but hit further up on the forehead. And lastly, one where I bent my finger.
As you can imagine because of that my sleep patterns are out the window. Went to bed a 5 a.m. as was scared I’d have another one. Slept. Woke up at 3 pm and started the day, Nothing yet. Just a very sore head inside and out. Maybe when D used to say I’d fall asleep and stay in one position all night and I ached from it the next day, they were seizures too.

I’ll see a doctor if it happens again, thankfully it’s only nighttime and not when I’m driving or walking about.