Seizures. Surprise Surprise

It’s been a weird day. I was supposed to go see the kids, but I had 3 seizures last night and didn’t fall asleep until 6am. So when I got up at 11am, I was very groggy. I banged my forehead again (zero recollection) and lost 3 hours. Then it happened again at midnight and then an hour at 2.30am. I can still hardly walk to the bathroom and back. Hell, even typing this is difficult as my fingers are still cold (heating is on). Staring at the screen makes me want to throw up.

Oh wait there is more moaning

I got everything ready for a shower the other day. Due to mental health reasons, I don’t shower as much, so I sink-wash. But when I work myself up enough, I go for a proper shower. Moving on, I got into the shower, turned it on, and started doing my hair. Then I noticed the drain is clogged. Since it’s a walk-in shower, it rapidly overflowed. I stopped the shower, got out, and tried to see what’s clogging it, but couldn’t.

Then the pain started as soon as I got up. It felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back, poured petrol on it, and lit it. So, back to being on hands and knees, wet and freezing. Stupid me didn’t take my stick with me, so I managed to grab a towel and dry myself on the floor. Then, hands and knees to my stick, then over to the chair and pulled myself up before getting some painkillers. The bathroom is a mess, but I thought I’ll take care of it later. Ugh. Frikkin’ showers. I told the receptionist that it’s broken, and she smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t know how to fix that, but I’ll leave them a note. It will be Monday or Tuesday, I’m guessing.” Stupid seizures, stupid shower and stupid me.

Today i’ve pretty much done nothing. watched some random stuff and playing a game and annoying people online.

A dull post am afraid.

Why don’t we have flying cars

What are the things I’m looking forward to during my lifetime?

My son meeting his first love, my daughter or stepdaughter getting married, to who or whatever they want. I look forward to a time when both kids can say “I’m happy” or “ feel loved”. Whether that is about me or as parents or they’re partner saying it, it matters not, only that they are happy. Go for that degree but remember to have fun and enjoy it.

If you meant outside of the family setting:

  1. Landing on Mars.
  2. Zombie apocalypse
  3. Deliveries by drones
  4. Viable moon base
  5. Cold fusion reactors
  6. We stop hunting whales
  7. Real working stargate being discovered in Egypt
  8. The first person to buy a country
  9. Aliens sending a signal back to Earth,
  10. Cure for cancer in my lifetime. Hopefully, it won’t mess with the population too much.
  11. opening all my Pokemon cards and putting them away.
Photo by cottonbro studio on

2. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Good question.

Part of me sees me building up the various websites and assets I own into a full-scale proper business. Along the lines of digital device procurement, refurbishment and release into the community. The only problem with the whole model is that it’s a free service supported by government grants and social funds. I have started to make way with Busy Bee Tech, which needs a new name, in creating content for the digital poverty the country is facing and the solutions we have to counteract it. So that’s slowly starting to generate traffic through keywords. I’ve also been sharing the articles from the Busy Bee Tech site on LinkedIn.

I would love to own property, ideally, a flat that I can rent out. Or a static home near Whitby that I can run away to whenever I want and have the kids come with me.

I would like to think I’m fitter, less fat and more agile than I am now.

Not having killed someone, would be good and is a constant worry.

Having my own house/flat, where the kids can come over whenever they like and stay for as long as they want and do what they want.

Alive. With no more surprise health conditions would be nice.

Not in a motel that’s for damn sure!

Onwards and upwards

The Tomb

I think we are at 2 months now with not leaving the house. The doctors have advised me not to drive due to the random blackouts/zoning out. No answers yet on what is causing them. I filled in a form for the Doctors to get a callback, it was accepted and they will call tomorrow. It’s a mixture of things. I get blind headaches which my meds don’t reach. Propranolol, Codiene, ibuprofen, Paracetamol. Nothing. All I can do is rub my head and hope it goes. Right now I have double vision for it.

So back to the point. I want to walk outside when no one else is about as I’m self-conscious of my stick but I’m scared of people outside anyway. Didnt, use to be. Meds do crazy things. So yeah, a simple five-minute walk to the park and back. D’s mum is here helping with the chores. I tried my best yesterday but she has tidied up again. That means I can’t go out or move much as I’ll get shouted at. Plus if I fall then we have an issue. Maybe tomorrow.

The new website is coming along nicely, just need to direct some traffic to it. You can find it here [Busy Bee Tech] it’s just an on-the-side thing to do and keep me busy writing things. Never know, might be useful to someone. Ideas for traffic would be amazing!

Still so very dizzy.

Related links:

NIH: Dizziness – This article from the National Institutes of Health provides information on the causes, symptoms, and treatment of dizziness.

Opens in a new window NHLBI

NIH: Dizziness website

Beyond Coincidence

I managed to have ten minutes in the sun this weekend before being told to go in by B because I was heavy breathing again. It’s sad to see him get so angry with the flight or fight response. He’s controlling it a bit better these days, he doesn’t scream and jump up and down as much. The problem is I get stressed. Still working hard on figuring out how to control that atm. It’s better, like I said before D has done a lot of removing stress from the house. I still try and pitch in but D says I’m overdoing it. I wish there was something I could do that would make taking pills less of a reliance.

I’m currently working on an active theory wherein I microdose valium at 3 intervals (if needed) in a day. So I try and work out the stress but if that fails I take a dose. Small dose. 2mg. The only problem is tolerance. I have enough in the pharmacy cupboard to last a long time if I need to increase it. That aside, it seems to be working. So. Will do that, coupled with the crisis hotline, and see how we go.

In the meantime, I’ll get back in the swing of regular posting again. I think every other day should keep me on track to keep the blog going.

The kid I used to know


It’s been a few days since I last posted. I just wasn’t feeling it when trying to put thoughts onto paper. Well. Computer screen. You get the idea. Things are a bit better now. I still don’t feel right but nowhere near as bad as I was. I can manage to sit, stand and walk. I can also talk without too much slur unless I am stressed. There are some things that I will need to accept. One of them is that this will happen again when I don’t know, but it will be something to live with. Secondly, the strain that this has placed on the family will never be the same again and is now subject to terms of a “review” in September to see if I can stay in the family.

I’m not sure what to call what happened. Technically my central nervous system spasmed and caused stroke-like effects on my body which has taken ages to process and heal. There is no medication I can take for it, nor is there any treatment that I can undertake. I can try and find out what caused the spasm in the first place but they are indicating that stress has a significant effect. Which I didn’t know. I didn’t think that something mental could affect something physical in that way. The strange sounds I make seem to come along when I’m stressed. This is new, something that has only been a few months old. I can’t control it but if questioned about it makes me do it more. If I get racing thoughts then it happens constantly.

Must be a stress-related thing then. So avoid high-stress situations in a house with two teenagers, two dogs who bark randomly, and yeah. On top of all that doesn’t make for a stress-free life. I don’t think I’ll find the solution by hiding from it and leaving which leaves me the option of coping skills. I’ll need to do some Googling and see what is out there. The CMHT team has been in touch and they are trying to prioritize psychotherapy which so helped me in the past. That’s one thing. I need a few. Meditation helps but not at the moment something stress-related happens, only after, and then it’s really hard. So I need to find a stress reliever that works quickly and I can use it at the point of it occurring or thereabout. Medication. I could take a valium the moment it happens but then it would also zone me out. Unless I take a small amount, 2mg per event? multiple events in one day could be an issue, there would have to be a limit. The most you can take is around 30mg in one day, so I would be popping the 2mgs like sweets but it could in theory work. The problem then is tolerance levels would rapidly rise up and render it useless. It could though, work in the short term while I wait for treatment from the hospital’s mental health team. Possible. Will need to call the dr and check if that’s an acceptable solution.

I’m now struggling with thoughts of the following nature:

  1. Usefulness. D has automated the household to the point where it can survive without me. This was done, I hope, in kindness, not malice. I now struggle to think about what I can provide the household besides being useless and unnecessary.
  2. What is the point of all this? Verging on existential problems. Actually no it’s 100% an existential problem.
  3. This list is shorter than I expected it to be. I’ll take that as a good thing.

So my list is pretty much how to contribute to the household, find my place in the world, and understand why we exist.

In a nutshell.

Digging Deeper #3

What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?
*sigh* this is going to be a long list.

Don’t do drugs. Including the valium from your parents.

Don’t accept sweets when they are in fact drugs.

Don’t smoke, it’s at least a 20-year habit that will give you a good shot at COPD once you’ve stopped.

Never out of interest and bored and because you could, buy a gun and shoot random things to see if they break.

Always plug the CPU fan power into the CPU power socket on the motherboard otherwise bye bye 18th birthday present

Sex is not the be-all and end-all of life. Closeness is far more rewarding.

Birth control should come with pictures of babies on them and a warning to your health.

Black coffee is the way to go, never ruin that shit with sugar and milk

Bean to cup machine vs rent. Always go bean to cup.

Programming. Learn a programming language. Personally PHP but whatever floats your boat. It’ll help your logic skills throughout life.

A university degree is a piece of paper to wedge open a door for an interview. Nothing more. It does not make you an expert. Life makes you that.

If you taste the alcohol in the drink you asked for, you should probably not down it and ask for more

16 is too young to start your own business involving large amounts of money and investing them in drinks, drugs, and weapons. I shit you not.

However, tempting it is to ram a needle into a muscle and filled it with ephedrine really isn’t cleaver.

Why are these mostly around drugs? Let’s try some normal ones.

Don’t bring vodka to high school disguised as either water or mixed with coke. The drink coke.

All you need in life is one good friend. The one you haven’t seen in a year but it was just like you met five minutes ago.

Hedge your bets. There is a god, well, something started the big bang BUT fret not, with intelligence comes humor so you should be fine.

Sell cigarettes for 50p a pop in high school. It paid for edibles which kept you sane.

Oh DONT listen to dads views on Catholics when doing a history essay calling for the irradiation of all Catholics in Ireland by keeping them in camps. I really really wish that wasn’t true.

What advice would you give to your younger self?

Please see the above. Also Microsoft, Apple, and gold. Invest in all of them with everything you have.

Not so great tbh

Things aren’t going so well in the world of me. Shocking I know. I’m constantly dizzy now. All the live long day. I also have this thing where I have to cover one eye to focus on the screen or typing which is slowly driving me mad as one-hand typing is never fun. In between the dizziness, the zoning out/sleeping thing keeps on happening.

There is some news on that front though. I spoke to the dr after she had consulted her counsel. Neurology referral which will be at least a 6-month wait and a sleep studies referral as well for good measure. What do I do till then? well, I thought I would ask the question this morning on the online booking system they have. Filled in all the information it asked for, asking if there is any medication for this (did some looking up, and there is) and please could something be done as this will drive me to suicide.

So didn’t get a same-day referral so they’ve booked me in with a different dr on the 16th. What the actual hell am I supposed to do with that. Be dizzy, zoned out, and useless till then? very frustrating. And they wonder why people end up self-medicating

I’m sick of the tired look. 8 hours. Still, look like I haven’t slept a wink, and feel it too; unable to nap as I get nasty dreams and thoughts again. Or I start hallucinating heating music or murmurs again. If there was one pill I could just take to be normal for one day I think my wife and kids would love me more.

Not sad pathetic me who does a piss poor attempt at house husband these days.



I will be 40 in a few months and it feels like I should be thinking about the future. About what I want out of life, what I want to do with life, and how to exist. Should I retrain into a new profession, or should I stop the charity work for paid work? What lessons can I teach my son, what experiences have they had? They are growing up now too. B is going to be 12 and R is 13! The things they like are so different now and I think I miss them being small. I never thought that, I always wished they would be teenagers and sleep all the time but now I miss them. What is life like, post-kids? we want to buy a house but struggling with the deposit. The price here in Manchester is crazy so we are looking at Scotland near Saltcoats. Cheaper and bigger houses just be a shame to move the kids while they are in school still.

Trying to figure out if this is a midlife crisis where I miss everything, want to change and try new things and explore the world more. I was very lucky when I was young as my parents took us on trips around the world, going to different places. I thought I would have found my place in the world by now.

D is taking the kids on holiday. B first to Germany for a few days and then probably Spain with S. I will be at home for both trips, staying with the dogs, and because I trigger B. Dont know what to say about that really.

Rambling blog post today

  • What are your values? What is important to you? What do you want to achieve in life?
  • What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing?
  • What are your dreams and goals? What do you want to accomplish in the next 5, 10, or 20 years?

We don’t need no education…

I’ve managed to open the curtains downstairs as well as the windows. Small steps. Had they closed all week due to wanting to hide? Nice having some fresh air blowing into the house. Well, as fresh as Manchester air gets. Not quite the same as when we were living in the middle of nowhere in Wales. Which I miss. It was great living there. Like 20 people in the village, big house, a nice garden that we worked really hard at so we could have chickens, vegetable plot and yeah, it was great. No fear of anyone knocking on the door. I’m also sure we were amazons worst nightmare as we ordered stuff with same-day delivery knowing they would drive a single trip from an hour away. Good value for money!

It wasn’t real life. I warned D of that so many times. You go to Wales and you live there, and nothing really happens. Everyone is always happy, polite and it’s clean and looked after. You go to primary school, high school, and college with the same people. You have one or two nightclubs to go to. Actually don’t think there are any in Llandudno now. But yeah life breezes happily by and you just live. Probably why it resembles gods waiting room.

We needed to get out of there for the kid’s sake. Education in Wales is very different, we found it more “As long as the child is happy” than “You should learn this”. We saw the difference when we moved here straight away. They were way off the knowledge level of kids in England. They’ve caught up really well, it took time but they managed it. S did well in her tests for high school so she’s in decent sets. B will follow suit as he faces his SATS exams next week.

I still think the whole primary school education system needs an overhaul. They have spent every day teaching from September preparing for these tests. Just tests. Test papers. Constantly so they all get good grades. They are being taught just by answering old questions. The problem is, in my head anyway, kids should actually learn about the world, history, English lit, all of that stuff not just being trained on how to get maximum points.

“Sir said if I don’t know it just writes some working out as you’ll get points”, “You can skip questions with lower points” And it’s great, great for exams and the advice fine but I for some reason cannot support it. Oh well. After a couple of months left, B got accepted to a STEM university high school. Everything is computer-based by the looks of it and he’s excited to get that bus every day. He knows math but has an apathy-like feeling toward things. “I already know how to do that so let’s just move on”. Need to train him to focus more. But that’s where their mental health team comes in and gets support in place.

Rant completed.

I did see Dr. Well. They phoned me. They think I might have narcolepsy or catalepsy. They took a full history of things, I explained that I don’t have to be stressed when it happens. I’ll just be in the dreaming world for a few moments. I also explained that my 12-year-old son had to sit next to me on the sofa and jab me in the ribs when I randomly passed out. It’s been happening all day again. I keep catching it and forced myself to keep my eyes open.

I have a killer headache, double vision, and dizziness from doing that. Really hope the doctor calls back with some kind of solution. I asked if I should just take a fist full of caffeine but that would be bad, I think I already rambled about this,

Plus I hallucinated a bird in the corner of my eye. I started shouting at it after a while as was in a half-sleep state. Stupid bird. Soon as I got some fresh air I was okay again.