Seizures. Surprise Surprise

It’s been a weird day. I was supposed to go see the kids, but I had 3 seizures last night and didn’t fall asleep until 6am. So when I got up at 11am, I was very groggy. I banged my forehead again (zero recollection) and lost 3 hours. Then it happened again at midnight and then an hour at 2.30am. I can still hardly walk to the bathroom and back. Hell, even typing this is difficult as my fingers are still cold (heating is on). Staring at the screen makes me want to throw up.

Oh wait there is more moaning

I got everything ready for a shower the other day. Due to mental health reasons, I don’t shower as much, so I sink-wash. But when I work myself up enough, I go for a proper shower. Moving on, I got into the shower, turned it on, and started doing my hair. Then I noticed the drain is clogged. Since it’s a walk-in shower, it rapidly overflowed. I stopped the shower, got out, and tried to see what’s clogging it, but couldn’t.

Then the pain started as soon as I got up. It felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back, poured petrol on it, and lit it. So, back to being on hands and knees, wet and freezing. Stupid me didn’t take my stick with me, so I managed to grab a towel and dry myself on the floor. Then, hands and knees to my stick, then over to the chair and pulled myself up before getting some painkillers. The bathroom is a mess, but I thought I’ll take care of it later. Ugh. Frikkin’ showers. I told the receptionist that it’s broken, and she smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t know how to fix that, but I’ll leave them a note. It will be Monday or Tuesday, I’m guessing.” Stupid seizures, stupid shower and stupid me.

Today i’ve pretty much done nothing. watched some random stuff and playing a game and annoying people online.

A dull post am afraid.

1. Current relationship status?

I think the technical word for it is separate. Then once the paperwork comes through and it’s all official with the courts then it’s Divorce. Unless someone contests it when the divorce paperwork comes through. I wouldn’t do something like that, would I? Not like someone went off and had an affair before the paperwork or even a notice of being divorced.

So for that to make any sense I’ll give you an exciting look at my marriage and personal life:
Met in 2007
Together in 2010
Sort of, sort of not 2011
Together in 2012
Married in 2015
Separated in 2023

The longest relationship I have ever had actually. D had been married before, she had an affair with me and I cheated on what would be R’s mum with D. 2011 is and was the most fucked up year of my life, the lies I made, the things I did and the people saw. Madness. There was always one constant and that was D. She was pure in my mind, a candle flame that can’t be blown out because that would make the world a darker place. Day two of divorce she blew her candle out.

I should have been there more. I should have given her what she needed.

No one wins in a breakup. Well, maybe those with friends they keep in reserve.

So single. I’ve sworn off women for now. For a long while. I heard once was one year of a relationship is equal to one month of getting over. So we’ll go for 2012, 11 months to get over the relationship. That’s fair. About the same as the hospital said my recovery would be. I still don’t understand the recovery period. Does that mean that I am miraculously going to be able to walk without searing back pain? Oh, I was quite actually impressed. I went to the garage next door which has a shop built in, I was struggling with the basket, walking about. My back was in complete agony. I got to the till and I swear I was going to ask them for a chair. Thankfully the guy took my shopping bagged it for me and put the basket back. It’s things like that that help. I managed to get back to the motel, room and then I faceplanted on the bed for ten minutes.

I’ll have to have a look online and see if there are some exercises that I can do with my back or if it’s just keep walking till it improves. I do walk every day now. Maybe a gym with a running machine. I can hold onto the sides if I need to and then start at level one again and try. I’ll ask my social worker if they have any offers on gyms. Or a discount as I’ll just be using one machine.
Oh yeah talking about relationships. Yup, this was the longest one. Since I’m 40 my options are pretty limited unless I make it big with Bitcoin, lottery or good looks & hypnotism. Of which I have none. So I’ll exist until Allah/God/Chukulu puts someone in my path.

Who am I kidding? A photocopy of D would be awesome. She was perfect and I lost her. Stupid body.
God. I could do with a bottle of wine or two. Never thought in my life I would ever be craving wine. Most normal men crave beer, buy it, drink it, sleep. I wish it was simple. But wine is the weapon of choice. Or rum. Rum, I can drink from the bottle. Although is nicer with ice and a snifter of coke. Snfiter. Coke. They probably belong in a sentence somewhere but not here, I am not a snifter of coke. Never have, never will. Pharmaceuticals is a different game. That is one that I abuse with hilarious consequences. And it’s all legal as well:

Risperidone, twice a day.
Sertraline, two in the morning.
Promazine, four times a day.
Procyclidine, twice a day.
Propranolol, three times a day.
Cyclizine, three times a day,
Pro Banthine, four times a day,
Codeine, up to four times a day as needed,
Pregabalin, three times a day
Diazepam 5mg, once a day
Diazepam 2mg, three times a day
So 31 tablets. In a day. #FML


Digging Deeper #3

What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?
*sigh* this is going to be a long list.

Don’t do drugs. Including the valium from your parents.

Don’t accept sweets when they are in fact drugs.

Don’t smoke, it’s at least a 20-year habit that will give you a good shot at COPD once you’ve stopped.

Never out of interest and bored and because you could, buy a gun and shoot random things to see if they break.

Always plug the CPU fan power into the CPU power socket on the motherboard otherwise bye bye 18th birthday present

Sex is not the be-all and end-all of life. Closeness is far more rewarding.

Birth control should come with pictures of babies on them and a warning to your health.

Black coffee is the way to go, never ruin that shit with sugar and milk

Bean to cup machine vs rent. Always go bean to cup.

Programming. Learn a programming language. Personally PHP but whatever floats your boat. It’ll help your logic skills throughout life.

A university degree is a piece of paper to wedge open a door for an interview. Nothing more. It does not make you an expert. Life makes you that.

If you taste the alcohol in the drink you asked for, you should probably not down it and ask for more

16 is too young to start your own business involving large amounts of money and investing them in drinks, drugs, and weapons. I shit you not.

However, tempting it is to ram a needle into a muscle and filled it with ephedrine really isn’t cleaver.

Why are these mostly around drugs? Let’s try some normal ones.

Don’t bring vodka to high school disguised as either water or mixed with coke. The drink coke.

All you need in life is one good friend. The one you haven’t seen in a year but it was just like you met five minutes ago.

Hedge your bets. There is a god, well, something started the big bang BUT fret not, with intelligence comes humor so you should be fine.

Sell cigarettes for 50p a pop in high school. It paid for edibles which kept you sane.

Oh DONT listen to dads views on Catholics when doing a history essay calling for the irradiation of all Catholics in Ireland by keeping them in camps. I really really wish that wasn’t true.

What advice would you give to your younger self?

Please see the above. Also Microsoft, Apple, and gold. Invest in all of them with everything you have.

It worked

The method of trying to banish the sleep demon was unorthodox but it served its purpose. I couldn’t see the words on the screen anymore as I was that tired. It was around 5am, and I managed to secure a spot on the sofa with a few bribes for the dogs. I fell asleep instantly. It was AMAZING. No thoughts, no rolling around listening to people condemning you. It was bliss. I was up at 7am to walk the dogs and here I am now. Tired but not defeated. Hopefully, it’s enough to break the cycle. Although I’m still worried it won’t be enough.

R my daughter is coming to visit today, D has taken her and B to the circus since, for reasons unknown to me, I cannot drive them without supervision and we can’t leave Dobby the newbie on her own for very long. So D will bring R here and I can see her and annoy her. Still a far cry from the contact center I used to see her.

I should do a ‘Bizarre things that only happen to me’ list at some point.

I’m now messing with the Google Bard bot. So far he has been so useful in looking up and getting it summarised. Also interesting to see what the limitations are. For example, trying to get Bard to access my emails and search it for me was a failure due to privacy but if I told Bard my name he would remember it the next time we spoke. Thought that was pretty cool. It can also write blog posts but they come across as too clean if you get me. I’ll keep experimenting with it. Although as a programmer, I’m worried that it can auto-complete code. If that develops a lot of us will be out of work pretty fast. Or the market will become saturated as less skill is required to do it. Blah.

I’ll leave you with this awesome, flattering photo of Dobby the dog.

Have a good day!