One day I’ll start a post with good news.

I had a seizure from 12 pm to 2.30 pm. No recollection, just eerie muscle aching, head laying on desk. Fortunately, no dents in my head this time. I did bust my lip but that I don’t mind so much. So that’s the timer reset to today, for the driving license I need to have no seizures for 12 months. This was the longest I’ve been without seizures. 10 days. Well, it’s a start. I’m also trying to understand the symptoms so I can beat it and lie down before it happens. Since I don’t have a memory a few minutes prior or post, it makes it difficult.

Today has been a quiet day, I’ve been spending it either zoned out or hyper-vigilant, with music playing so it’s not too bad. Did the remote school run, asking the kids how their day was. It’s a nice thing for me as I feel more included in their lives. Granted, I can’t do much remotely, but I do control the good behavior system and allocate money depending on the job. I started thinking they were making up what they said they were doing, so new photo evidence is required before payment of services, which S did without arguing.

Ugh. Hate this spaced-out feeling. My eyes are heavy despite heavy rubbing, just in case it was the moisturizer that I put on. But no. I slip between awake and doing things, to half-sleep energy drained. Wonder what’s causing it.

The flat

Good news though, it’s almost the 29th when the flat will be ready. I’ve been checking in for what seems like forever to see if it’s done earlier but no. I can’t buy anything yet till I’ve seen the inside of the flat and can plan where things go.

My priorities:

  1. Pay a week’s worth of rent as a deposit.
  2. Use saved money to get a man with a van to move everything Doti has packed.
  3. If the oven and stove are working, great. If not, pick up an air fryer from FB Marketplace.
  4. Get some sort of bed to sleep on. The council said they’d help with that.

If I can get these four main priorities done, then I’ll be really happy. There are a few things to take apart from the cartons, such as a coffee machine, budgies, a chest of drawers that currently live on top of each other, a white foldaway desk, and my chair. I also need to look for a sofa, so off to the charity shops I go. It needs to be a sofa bed as I’ll be sleeping on it until I can afford a bed, unless the council puts one in before I move in. Otherwise, I have plenty of blankets.

flat white and blue striped throw pillow on white bed
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Twitchy leg syndrome

God, my legs won’t stop being twitchy tonight. Usually, I take magnesium so it doesn’t happen. When I was going through the meds yesterday, I forgot to put some in. I figured I could do with a break. It’s only been two days, haha. Just taken two now, and I’ll put the magnesium bottle next to the pre-made meds.

I’m so dizzy; it’s ridiculous. I can’t even see straight. I tried sleeping it off, but the power nap didn’t shift it. Some exciting news for me. Bestie has said he will come along for a fishing holiday in a few months. Wood cabin by the river or feeder lake, and he’ll cook what I catch. Hopefully, sometime early summer, we can hit the water and see what we can find. He has also offered his excellent cooking skills once I’m set up to show me a few easy singleton meals. Looking forward to that.

It was R’s 13th birthday on Saturday. she bought this amazing ring from Pandora with her birthday money, which was great. Ugh, the dizziness hits. Today, I was at D’s house at 7 am to wait in for a parcel for her. Played with the dogs, which equates to me lying on the floor, going mental, and a stampede. Wouldn’t have it any other way. Headed back to the hotel after things were delivered and flirted with music and the news. Today is also work (volunteer) day, so I was instructing J on how to set up a web server with the task of creating a PHP file which used a MySQL back end. I’ve not heard from him since.

Need to get hold of Day as it’s been a couple of days, but we’ve done the daily check-in for three weeks.

The twitchy leg syndrome is starting to wear off, which is awesome as I hate that feeling.

Hope you’re all having fantastic days.

yrestless leg syndrome oung fit ethnic sportsman exercising on street in city
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QOTD – Space

What’s your favorite month of the year? Why?

Ignoring this year, because it’ll be the first christmas alone.

So typically from october to april are my favourite months. by far. it’s dark early and dark late both of which really appeal to me. I love night time, especially with crisp night air. Right now i go outside the hotel, sit on a bench and look up for 20 mins hoping to find something. Not sure what I was looking for to be honest really, so many stars.

He150ken. A delayed treat.


He159ken as a delayed treat tonight. I was supposed to have a beer on Friday, but for whatever reason, I didn’t pick one up. Not that I actually go to shops to buy things, but I didn’t get it with the usual Deliveroo shop on a Thursday to D’s house, to then take back with me to Das Motel.

So yes, He159ken, as it’s known this year, is quite a nice break from the odd ales that I would pick from. My dad used to work at the He159ken brewery in Holland. I think that might have led to my decision. I feel so sorry for the delivery people today though. so we had 4 deliveries at D’s house. I’m sure the neighbors must think bad things, but I had Amazon dropping off a game for me and R to play next time she visits, which will be here at the motel. But we will be going to a cafe to have tea and cake, then back here for board games. I need to check if we could sit in the function room here as more space to play.

Aside from the game, two food shops came in for treats for everyone, and then a beer shop with two bottles. There was an offer on for £7 for two and no delivery fees, which isn’t that bad. I know it’s cheaper to walk to the shop but don’t know if I could last that long. Although thinking about it, I should have tried. My head is still a bit wobbly from yesterday’s denting.

I spent the day at D’s, which was oddly enjoyable. It was nice spending some time with B when D went out to collect S. I got the Nintendo Switches all sorted for B, S, R, and me with a yearly family pass thing. £45, including the expansion packs, which was a really good deal. You can have up to 8 people in the group, so 4 left. I’m not sure if you all have to be under the same roof, but it’s working for R, who doesn’t live at D’s, so should be fine.

I think I expect too much of the kids now that they are teenagers. So hanging out with Dad isn’t cool anymore or anything, but it makes me a little sad. I asked a few times, went to their rooms, and no. S was in a sulk, and B just wanted to play on his machine, even though I charged and set up his Switch to run from the group account so he can get all the family perks. I did get a goodbye by him yelling from a closed door, so I guess that’s something?

So I’m back at the motel now; the heating has been on, so I’m nice and warm for a change. I dropped my washing off with reception for two loads (£5 per load), not expecting it to be ready for a week, but they left it today in my room, all washed, dried, and folded. Awesome. D also washed one of my jumpers, so at least I’ll be warm during the day when the heating’s off or if I go meet people I was supposed to meet in town, but I’ll try that again this week.

My psychotherapy has also come through after a 3-year wait. That starts on Thursday at the hospital for 1 hour a week. I had the respiratory clinic on Friday, and they think I have COPD, which makes sense when I smoked from 13 all the way till I was 30, so pretty much no new treatment. Take the blue inhaler when I need to and take the purple/brown one a day. Come back every year for a check-up.

I think I’ve turned another corner with me and D and moving on with stuff, I don’t have gut-wrenching agony when I leave, and I’m starting to see D as a friend more than anything else. I still need to stop buying her random treats when I order stuff, but that’s more a habit and a recognition that she deserves it for doing everything.

The D-day is finally coming towards us for the flat. I just need to get inside and see what I need and what I want to do. Considering I’m putting all my eggs in one basket, I really hope the place is okay in terms of neighbors, space, and things like that. They made it clear that if I reject this one, I will lose my homeless status, and I’d have to bid for houses and have the customary 1-year wait. But yeah, that’s where I’m up to with things.


Beer = win.
Kids could be better but all part of growing up. No heart breaking when I leave D’s house, and generally in a good place today for a change, which is awesome.


So I've been keeping myself busy the past couple of days with the charity work which seems to be undergoing some crisis at the moment. Something to do with funding and them scrambling to sort out bids. Fortunately, I'm not involved in that side of it, but just the tech side of stuff. So day to day refurbishing, issuing plans, and arranging drop-offs and collections. It helps them. It helps me by keeping me grounded and busy.

I've been looking at different jobs on LinkedIn and found a few I would like to try; they are remote roles which is perfect for me and the mental health stuff. Just trying to find a part-time one so I can keep up the other stuff.

I think answering the job QOTD led me down this path and started to make me think that paid employment should be tried again. I keep going through loops of working and not working depending on how bad things are. They aren't stable at the moment, but that doesn't mean I should stop helping people. The job side, I'm just looking at for the moment so maybe I have something in place when I eventually move out of this godforsaken hotel/motel. They still aren't putting the heating on, but my secret weapon came yesterday: a heated blanket. So I've put it under the sheets to lay on and then duvet and another fleece on top of that. Shall be giving it a test run once I've finished the blog.

So my brother just called after ripping his sore tooth out. He got drunk first and then started pulling. It saves what would be £200 for an extraction by a dentist, which he just didn't have spare the past few months. Quite a sad state of affairs in this country when people have a DIY extraction as a solution rather than getting it done professionally. I said I'd have a look around for any antibiotics I can send him just in case it gets infected. Told him to stick a wedge/roll of tissue in the gap and hold it there until it stops bleeding. Hopefully, he won't pass out and choke on his own blood. Crisis. Crisis indeed.

I was up at four am this morning with mind-numbing earache on my left hand side. It came out of nowhere. Fortunately, I have medication I can take, codeine, and that killed it after about an hour. I managed to get back to sleep at 8 am and was up for 11 am to get the day started.

Tomorrow I'm back on emails and meetings to keep me busy. It's Suzi's birthday on Friday, so looking forward to that. We've managed to get an iPad sorted for her birthday with all the frills (case, protector, and drawing pen). Throw in a takeaway, and it's a party. It'll be nice getting it all set up for her, but she's old enough to do all that herself now. 14. That's just crazy. Rebecca will be coming over on Sunday as well; she's asked to go to a cafe for quality time. I found a place not too far from D's house, so we will hobble over to it Sunday morning. Hopefully, it's open. As I can't drive if it isn't, so the backup plan is cake and tea at D's house.

Looking forward to going to a warm bed. 6°C outside, means the room is pretty cold. The heating is still only an hour in the morning and an hour at night. Jumpers are fine during the day, but heated blanket, I love you.

crisis white paper on a vintage typewriter
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Food, glorious food QOTD

Daily writing prompt
What food would you say is your specialty?

Dad food. Anything I can put in the air fryer: sausages, chips, beans. But actual cooking skill comes in the form of mini lessons D used to give me when she had the patience. I can make a nice honey roast gammon that just melts, thrice-cooked wedges, roasted parsnips, and carrots. A Sunday roast.

I used to love baking but fell out of love with that long ago. I wanted to experiment with petit fours, but all my cooking molds got thrown away, might take it up again when I’ve moved into the flat. Yes, the flat. I’m still waiting for them to finish sorting out the electrics. Much to the chagrin of the council who have to pay for my motel expenses to keep me here. That’s a rant for another post.

I can do spaghetti, oh, and I can make an awesome tuna pasta bake with a thick layer of molten cheese. Come to think of it, at one point, I was using the Cookidoo to make decent meals. It took a lot of tinkering at first, but I guess I’ve learned a fair few dishes. S doesn’t like cheese and is particular about texture, so we used to draw up a list of meals she liked and we would all build a menu.

That makes my heart hurt again. Sunday roasts and planning meals. Something I’ll never get to do again. At least not yet. There are plans in motion.

food dad food delicious burger with fried egg and fries
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We remember so we never forget

Daily writing prompt
What major historical events do you remember?

To remember events is important to keep the memories of those events alive, or more precisely, so we never forget. I have been privy to a few events, some major to me and my family but also more mainstream historical events too.

Princess Diana. In bed sleeping at the farm, I was like 14 or 15. My Day barges into the room, sticks my TV on, and watches all the coverage of her crash in Paris. You could feel the sadness of the whole thing. Mother-in-law off’s princess. I still don’t know what to believe with that one. I remember the butler getting a book deal out of it.

9/11. Again, in bed, I hear the sound of the workers from the factory flooding into the gun room at the farm, and I’m glued to the TV. I stumbled in half-dressed just as the second plane hit in real time.

Mum. August. Dad left a message on my phone at 4 am. Just as mum’s favorite song, “Son of a Preacher Man,” started playing, she squeezed my dad’s hand and drifted off.

Dad. August. Holding his hand and saying, “You do what you need to do,” I squeezed his hand and he was gone.

Christ, what a depressing end to a post!

remember blue and white sky with stars
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Seizures & FND = Double tag team

Seizures. I had a seizure again. I lost two hours this time, so it was shorter than a full-blown one but longer than a small one. I’m starting to lose hope, a little bit every time one comes. It isn’t about banging or not banging my head off something; it’s the sheer randomness of the seizure that makes it debilitating. I worry about it, and that just makes it worse. Then it’s the resetting of the clock on when I can drive again. I need to go at least three months; I’ve gone two weeks for major ones. The five-second ones come and go.

Seizures that can’t be treated or prevented, really. Due to my EUPD, I generally handle emotions terribly as a rule, but due to the medication, I never really know how I’m feeling, so it kind of jumps on me and causes the brain implosions. I don’t like the seizure. Let’s call it FND attacks; it’s more accurate than seizures. I feel like one is coming on now. If I were to close my eyes, I would probably hit the deck.

And then..

In other amazing news, my carpal tunnel has come back in both hands, but the worst one is my left hand, oddly enough. The pinky is constantly numb, and the right hand is just a little bit better. Still numb, which makes typing all sorts of joy. I had surgery on both hands a few years ago, which was a success. They did the right hand first, so plus point, if you ever need to learn to use your left hand, get the right one done (opposite if you’re a lefty), and then you have to learn how to wipe your bum. It’s a life skill.

FND five-second one.


Giving up soon.

Living in the motel isn’t doing me any favors anyway. But that’s just the way it has to be until the flat is sorted.

I maintain the giving up.

seizures and elvis
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