On the outskirts of Greater Manchester is a city called Stockport. At night, if you head to the hills, you can see the whole of Manchester in one shot. Well, almost. This shot is taken from my car during one of the many trips to the area in 2011-2012.
This is my English happy place. There is a Welsh one, but that’s a story for another time!
Blood is thicker than water. I used to believe that. I was a naive 16-year-old saying that. Of course, it doesn’t apply in real life. I grew up and realized that you can have ‘a brother from another mother’. Especially true of O. He’s my best friend, someone I consider more of a brother than anything else. The point of this post is to remind me that I do, in fact, have a brother. The image to the left is on a boat in St Lucia. I can’t remember why we were on a boat, but we were.
We have recently been talking more and more on the phone over the past month or two, and it has been so nice to hear from him. My goodness, he lives a completely messed up life, but he is getting through it.
He has problems with drinks, drugs, and reckless behavior, but I realized, more now than ever, that it’s lonely out here. I think he was lonely too. So the phone calls help. It’s a mutual thing.
I can’t quite remember what we spoke about, but it was something that only we understood. Complete savagery, but we both knew what we were trying to say. The photo to the right was taken in the Pancake House in North Wales, a special place we used to go to celebrate pretty much anything. Mum was Dutch, and she liked it there. I think she got a kick out of being able to speak Dutch to someone.
And so I end this short post. The people you see to the right are me, dad, mum, and Day. Now, with Mum and Dad being dead, it’s just us two left now. Well, and my whole family here – B, S, and R.
I think it’s such a strange and magical bond that blood brothers and sisters have. I can be away from them for years, then instantly we are back as if it was only minutes apart.
So, I don’t actually know what I was setting out to achieve with this post, but I wanted to say that, in conclusion, I’m a little bit happier being in touch with my brother. Even if it won’t last, it was a welcome ear to listen to each other’s problems and try to solve them.
He is a dickhead. But he’s my blood related dickhead. And despite everything that’s gone on, he is my brother. For all his wrongs, he does have some good in him too.
Its now common that I go to dotis house at least three days in a week. Whether thats for baby sitting duties, or fixingan alexa thats gone postal. I was there yesterday kids came home, hung out with the kids for as long as they could manage.
F was due to come back for 7pm so I was just pottering about, doing some work. Things like that. Then I though oh I’m starving as I didnt make any toasties for me. I thought, well when doti comes home I’ll get us a takeaway as a treat and we can talk and catch up.
She called saying “I’ll be back soon so you can go”, “Oh how come? I dont mind waiting for you”, “Well I do so go”. That hurt. A lot. Gave the kids hugs, ordred the Uber and off I went. Dreams of sharing some food toether and chatting. But no I am just a baby sitter for her.
Still depressed about the whole thing plus I won’t be getting my dream flat for another 7 weeks; it really messed up my head. I was on the computer, watching random stuff to take my mind off things. Then the clock went from 1 to 4 am in a split second, and my back was burning like hell in agony. I checked certain things, and yes, I had a seizure. I love my life.
Let there be light! a flat! And it was good.
Great news! After a fantastic month and a half at the motel, I have successfully secured a lovely flat. I am thrilled to share that I passed all the necessary checks with flying colors and even aced a phone interview. The flat is currently undergoing some lovely decoration work, and I will be able to move in as soon as it’s complete. The support I’ve received from the incredible charity has been nothing short of amazing. They’ve graciously provided me with brand new white goods, including a kettle, toaster, and microwave. Additionally, they’ve also supplied airbeds and sheets. With everything falling into place, I am hopeful and optimistic that by the end of next week, I’ll be happily settled in my new home. Wish me luck!
I’m also on a spiral. See, what I love about mental health problems is that you have bad days and good days. But no. Oh, no. We can’t possibly have good days, so the anxiety increases from a bad day to good news. Gut-wrenching, overwhelming anxiety ball in your stomach. Couldn’t just be happy with the news, could you, brain? My problem is I’ll get so overwhelmed with anxiety and emotion that I just don’t know what to do with it. The only vent I have really is self-harm. Can’t even do that as I’m wearing a T-shirt that I like and don’t want blood on it. It’s exhausting. I’ve had mental health on the phone, then my other charity was on the phone about the good news on white goods.
Brain, seroiusly. Stop.
Other stuff. Seeing the kids tomorrow as I’ll be babysitting, which is awesome. Haven’t seen them in a few days, so it will be nice. I’ll be lucky to get more than ten minutes out of them as they crawl into their pits or rooms, as they are formally known.
What are your parents values? how do they differ from mine?
I think its safe to say, with my parents, that if you do the exact opposite of what they did then you will turn out ok. Evidence number one, “Mummy I have a headache”, “Swallow this” *hands Valium to a ten-year-old*. Evidence 2, All Catholics are evil and you must be better than them because they are sub-human scum and the pakis too.
They had a very unique parenting system. We moved to quite a remote farm and they were working a lot on the water farm. The staff became family and friends I think they taught me and my brother more about life than our parents. That said, we are alive, damaged, but alive so can’t fault them for that. Some of the stuff they pulled, said and done were incredible. They differ so much from my values in just about every way. Racism and evil Catholics are the big stand-out ones. The hatred that man had for religious folks was insane. I am in no way like this, nor are my children. Everyone is equal, everyone can be who or whatever they want to be. Be good to each other and karma is a very real thing.
What are the qualities and traits that other people have that I admire
Ah see this is a good one, I see loads of qualities in my friends that I would love to have. In no particular order, I give you…
What are 3 traits I love about yourself? describe them in detail.
That’s like the biggest ego massage of a question, what happens if you don’t love yourself, have no redeeming qualities and generally suck? … self-esteem issues, me? No. Of course not.
Kindness
I will find all ways of pleasing someone in as much capacity as possible. Whether it’s giving something back to the homeless or picking up sweets randomly for the kids. Apparently, I do this to a fault. People become accustomed to this treatment and I end up not enjoying it any more which sucks. But before that, it makes me insanely happy to see someone else being happy because of my small gesture. Skin-tingly nice feelings.
Loyalty
From keeping a secret about a boy you like or that suspicious new flower bed in the garden. You can count on me to keep you loyal. I don’t think I have ever jumped ship on anyone and pretty much all my friends will have me fighting in their corners Hell I spent three years of uni looking after my drunken breather and got them home safe each night. Do you want to take on an army? O’ll be stood side by side with you facing impossible odds. Whatever it takes.
Is It bad that I can only think of two traits? The rest in my mind are terrible when I think about them. Negative traits I could talk about in another post.
Something I wish could help my yougest with. Hes 11 and any noise caues fight or flight.
What are the things I’m looking forward to during my lifetime?
My son meeting his first love, my daughter or stepdaughter getting married, to who or whatever they want. I look forward to a time when both kids can say “I’m happy” or “ feel loved”. Whether that is about me or as parents or they’re partner saying it, it matters not, only that they are happy. Go for that degree but remember to have fun and enjoy it.
If you meant outside of the family setting:
I am well emotional. Especially when it has something to do with the following:
Someone might think I have emotional personality disorder..
