It’s been a weird day. I was supposed to go see the kids, but I had 3 seizures last night and didn’t fall asleep until 6am. So when I got up at 11am, I was very groggy. I banged my forehead again (zero recollection) and lost 3 hours. Then it happened again at midnight and then an hour at 2.30am. I can still hardly walk to the bathroom and back. Hell, even typing this is difficult as my fingers are still cold (heating is on). Staring at the screen makes me want to throw up.
Oh wait there is more moaning
I got everything ready for a shower the other day. Due to mental health reasons, I don’t shower as much, so I sink-wash. But when I work myself up enough, I go for a proper shower. Moving on, I got into the shower, turned it on, and started doing my hair. Then I noticed the drain is clogged. Since it’s a walk-in shower, it rapidly overflowed. I stopped the shower, got out, and tried to see what’s clogging it, but couldn’t.
Then the pain started as soon as I got up. It felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back, poured petrol on it, and lit it. So, back to being on hands and knees, wet and freezing. Stupid me didn’t take my stick with me, so I managed to grab a towel and dry myself on the floor. Then, hands and knees to my stick, then over to the chair and pulled myself up before getting some painkillers. The bathroom is a mess, but I thought I’ll take care of it later. Ugh. Frikkin’ showers. I told the receptionist that it’s broken, and she smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t know how to fix that, but I’ll leave them a note. It will be Monday or Tuesday, I’m guessing.” Stupid seizures, stupid shower and stupid me.
Today i’ve pretty much done nothing. watched some random stuff and playing a game and annoying people online.
It started off so well They said we made a perfect pair I clothed myself in your glory and your love How I loved you How I cried The years of care and loyalty Were nothing but a sham it seems The years belie we lived a lie I love you till I die Save me save me save me I can’t face this life alone Save me save me save me I’m naked and I’m far from home
The slate will soon be clean I’ll erase the memories To start again with somebody new Was it all wasted All that love? I hang my head and I advertise A soul for sale or rent I have no heart I’m cold inside I have no real intent Save me save me save me I can’t face this life alone Save me save me save me Oh I’m naked and I’m far from home
Each night I cry I still believe the lie I love you ’till I die Save me save me save me Save me save me oh save me Don’t let me face my life alone Save me save me oh I’m naked and I’m far from home
So I've been keeping myself busy the past couple of days with the charity work which seems to be undergoing some crisis at the moment. Something to do with funding and them scrambling to sort out bids. Fortunately, I'm not involved in that side of it, but just the tech side of stuff. So day to day refurbishing, issuing plans, and arranging drop-offs and collections. It helps them. It helps me by keeping me grounded and busy.
I've been looking at different jobs on LinkedIn and found a few I would like to try; they are remote roles which is perfect for me and the mental health stuff. Just trying to find a part-time one so I can keep up the other stuff.
I think answering the job QOTD led me down this path and started to make me think that paid employment should be tried again. I keep going through loops of working and not working depending on how bad things are. They aren't stable at the moment, but that doesn't mean I should stop helping people. The job side, I'm just looking at for the moment so maybe I have something in place when I eventually move out of this godforsaken hotel/motel. They still aren't putting the heating on, but my secret weapon came yesterday: a heated blanket. So I've put it under the sheets to lay on and then duvet and another fleece on top of that. Shall be giving it a test run once I've finished the blog.
So my brother just called after ripping his sore tooth out. He got drunk first and then started pulling. It saves what would be £200 for an extraction by a dentist, which he just didn't have spare the past few months. Quite a sad state of affairs in this country when people have a DIY extraction as a solution rather than getting it done professionally. I said I'd have a look around for any antibiotics I can send him just in case it gets infected. Told him to stick a wedge/roll of tissue in the gap and hold it there until it stops bleeding. Hopefully, he won't pass out and choke on his own blood. Crisis. Crisis indeed.
I was up at four am this morning with mind-numbing earache on my left hand side. It came out of nowhere. Fortunately, I have medication I can take, codeine, and that killed it after about an hour. I managed to get back to sleep at 8 am and was up for 11 am to get the day started.
Tomorrow I'm back on emails and meetings to keep me busy. It's Suzi's birthday on Friday, so looking forward to that. We've managed to get an iPad sorted for her birthday with all the frills (case, protector, and drawing pen). Throw in a takeaway, and it's a party. It'll be nice getting it all set up for her, but she's old enough to do all that herself now. 14. That's just crazy. Rebecca will be coming over on Sunday as well; she's asked to go to a cafe for quality time. I found a place not too far from D's house, so we will hobble over to it Sunday morning. Hopefully, it's open. As I can't drive if it isn't, so the backup plan is cake and tea at D's house.
Looking forward to going to a warm bed. 6°C outside, means the room is pretty cold. The heating is still only an hour in the morning and an hour at night. Jumpers are fine during the day, but heated blanket, I love you.
Risk is drugs for me. I haven’t hidden or spared any details on my blog about my battles with addiction or the general fact that I take 27 tablets a day. What would I love to do? Come off every single one and see how things are. The vast majority of the meds I take are antipsychotics, Valium, and other sedating medication. There was a time when I wasn’t medicated, and d put the idea in my head about reducing them when things are more stable. It would be interesting because either something really good will happen or something will go horribly, horribly wrong.
But the risk. The risk is unthinkable with blackout rage, and this whole antisocial narcissistic side of me that I’m petrified will take hold and that the drugs, prescribed, are holding the gates closed and allowing me to float around my days. I think if I started small and dropped one of the antipsychotics from 4 times a day to 2 and try that. It’ll take ages to do it but… god, I don’t know, is it worth the possible relapse? And what if I come off everything and I just can’t handle life again? Then again, what if it actually works?
If you were skimming through that, the main takeaway is the risk of not taking my meds. If you got this far, I’ll show you what my brain understood that to mean:
Heroin. I’d like to start injecting again, but this time with some class A. Risk? Didn’t see that part of the question.
Seizures. I had a seizure again. I lost two hours this time, so it was shorter than a full-blown one but longer than a small one. I’m starting to lose hope, a little bit every time one comes. It isn’t about banging or not banging my head off something; it’s the sheer randomness of the seizure that makes it debilitating. I worry about it, and that just makes it worse. Then it’s the resetting of the clock on when I can drive again. I need to go at least three months; I’ve gone two weeks for major ones. The five-second ones come and go.
Seizures that can’t be treated or prevented, really. Due to my EUPD, I generally handle emotions terribly as a rule, but due to the medication, I never really know how I’m feeling, so it kind of jumps on me and causes the brain implosions. I don’t like the seizure. Let’s call it FND attacks; it’s more accurate than seizures. I feel like one is coming on now. If I were to close my eyes, I would probably hit the deck.
In other amazing news, my carpal tunnel has come back in both hands, but the worst one is my left hand, oddly enough. The pinky is constantly numb, and the right hand is just a little bit better. Still numb, which makes typing all sorts of joy. I had surgery on both hands a few years ago, which was a success. They did the right hand first, so plus point, if you ever need to learn to use your left hand, get the right one done (opposite if you’re a lefty), and then you have to learn how to wipe your bum. It’s a life skill.
Don’t know, well, it’s something I’m more ashamed of than anything else. Long ago in my past, I went through a tough spot. I was being seen by doctors who were quickly trying to help me. This was in 2011-2012, which doesn’t feel like that long ago. I was in crisis, and they prescribed antipsychotics (drugs, glorious drugs) for the first time. This helped with quite a few side effects from brain madness.
Down the rabbit hole
The downside of taking them was that they turned me into a bona fide zombie. I was constantly sleeping, at home, work, and in the car during lunch breaks. My God, I remember one time I drove to the usual spot and took a nap; it was midday. Then I woke up to the sound of kids walking past. I had slept until 3 pm because I forgot to set an alarm on my phone.
So, hopefully, you understand how tired the pills made me. I then thought I needed to find a way to live with these pills and do something about the sleepiness. Naturally, I started looking online at different drugs you can take to stay awake.
Drugs = Bad
Skipping some highly illegal stuff, my prescription came through. I bought some epi-pens to test out; they weren’t normal epi-pens. These were injectable 10 ml pre-filled syringes meant for hospitals as they had a higher dose. I waited a few days before trying it. Then, I got into an argument, and I went into the bathroom thinking (and hoping) that this would fix it. I took the needle out and pierced my right leg. I thought 5 ml should be enough and saved the rest for another time. So there I was, pressed the plunger and drew back when I hit 5 ml.
And yeah. BOOM. It hit me, and my body just thought, “What the hell was that?” I went upstairs into the bedroom, and I just lay on the bed thinking I was going to die. Then it started to fade, and I was just filled with this power. That was the start of what would become a very odd few years of massive amounts of addiction to prescription pills. I stopped injecting in 2014. It’s almost 10 years now. I still have days when I miss it. I’ve done it while driving, and the feeling of just letting go. All the stress you were feeling, gone. Like floating on a cloud.
So in conclusion, I was a drug addict who ended up injecting almost every day, on and off, for 2 years. I went to rehab, and it worked. I became clean and learned many coping skills. So if I could cut the habit, you can too!
A blog post, simply because I have no idea where to start or what to type about. I quit blogging after my last post. I cancelled the payments, which then pulled my domain, and yeah. It wasn’t until I spoke to D about it that I realized that I enjoy blogging and that it is worth the expense of a business plan.
I spent some amazing time with the kids over the weekend. I watched a movie with B. Since it was Friday the 13th, we decided to watch a horror film called ‘Run’. It was nice being able to sit with him and watch it, even though he had to wear headphones due to my breathing. It was a special moment. On Saturday, I spent time with S, having conversations about random stuff, and later D came home. I stayed over from Friday to Saturday. I wish I could have stayed longer, genuinely. However, I was feeling worse by the minute. Given the high threat of COVID, I left on Saturday night and ended up sleeping through most of Sunday and until 12 PM this morning.
I’ll put on some music as I haven’t listened to much these past few days. I start to get moody, anxious, and generally scared if I don’t. It’s as if the tunes give me something to focus on. I also need to do some laundry. I overheard that they do it here for £5 per load, which is cheaper than the laundromat I’ve been going to.
Trying to find ways of focusing my time. I have so many things to do that I can’t start them. It’s like, where do I start? Then I end up in a panic, and nothing gets done. I need to order my life more but can’t because of the several other things that need doing. Then I can’t do those things, and I’m a mess. I’ve had this before a few times in the past, but I need to structure my day a bit better. Maybe put slots in a calendar and see how that goes?
In summary, I have been putting off posting, but since I’ve done one, I can no longer answer the question.
So, it’s been a while since I posted anything. Sorry about that. I had to take a few days to clear my headspace, which has worked wonders I must say. That was sarcastic, I did nothing apart from be suicidal. I reached out for help and got some. I had a seizure this morning. It only lasted a few minutes, but my central nervous system is playing hell today. Just constant jerks of the hands. Which I must say while holding a cup of tea, my laptop feared for its life. Such an annoying after effect. I ended up sitting on my right hand as that was the culprit. Could still feel it twinging but it’s okay now. I would love to know how this all started. That something can just ‘go wrong’ and that’s it your landed with a thing, disorder whatever and that’s your life now. You must learn the triggers. Thank god in a way that I was already messed up with BPD, so I knew the basics of identifying a trigger or even knowing what one was, otherwise I’d be totally lost.
It’s annoying that I have both things though. If I’m not suicidal, self-harming or emotionally available, then I’m passing out, zoning out and have seizures. To have them both in the same 24-hour period is difficult for. I’m sure everyone else out there can cope, but I’m struggling. I know that in a matter of weeks I will be in my dream house when they finish the electrics and that I’ll be very happy there. At the same time, I also realise that it’s going to be same shit different day and that I will still need to prepare for it happening. Therefore, living with it seems the only logical explanation so I’ll do some more research. Bard (google AI) has taken a beating the past two days with suicidal ideation. It detects it from the questions you are asking, so it includes a prewritten response of go and seek help, here are some phone numbers. But if you phrase things differently you can some seriously messed up stats and information out of it. I’m not going to post on here what I’ve been searching for. I wouldn’t like to be the one who throws you down the rabbit hole.
Nice to see that not content with one war, let’s start another in the middle east. Guessing here in the UK, we have spread ourselves thin with ammunition so we can’t follow blindness the US and donate to the cause. I don’t really do politics, sides, and general argumentative statements on here. Simply because I was just love people stop killing each other. Theres big business involved in killing so it’s not something that can be stopped. I often think of the world, how would I judge the human race. If anyone from a different angle saw the earth, would they judge all of us as a blood thirsty species? Or many we get lucky, and they look at a nice suburb somewhere with a nice fence around, a gated community. Anyways, enough of that before I get dragged into an argument. I’m in the pro-USA & special relationship that we have with them camp.
I was up at 3am this morning as I just rage-quit life at 8pm thinking ‘Fuck it, today can just stop’. It was nice being up so early music blaring on the headphones, but the one annoyance is that I can’t boil the kettle to make a cup of tea. This for us brits is a crazy situation, so I sat there waiting till 7am before I could use the kettle to not wake or anger the general population in the motel (the walls are very thin. Talking two slabs of plaster board sealed together to separate the rooms. Remember advert years ago, it was Nike or something or other where they could run through the walls of a building. Pretty much this place.
Frikkin seizures’ because I have a strategic meeting, whatever that is, with all my support people across all agencies meeting at once to discuss me and how my case is doing. Peter, one of the social workers explained that its nothing to worry about, that I don’t have to attend if I didn’t want to, we agreed yesterday that I’ll join through teams and do it that way. He also said I can leave at any time too. It’s at 3pm and will last an hour. I’m nervous about it, especially with everyone joining in. I think the only thing that I can ask for is some support with care, staying here for another few weeks and that’s about it really. I know my psychotherapy will start soon which is great that they’ve FINALLY done something about it.
Its now common that I go to dotis house at least three days in a week. Whether thats for baby sitting duties, or fixingan alexa thats gone postal. I was there yesterday kids came home, hung out with the kids for as long as they could manage.
F was due to come back for 7pm so I was just pottering about, doing some work. Things like that. Then I though oh I’m starving as I didnt make any toasties for me. I thought, well when doti comes home I’ll get us a takeaway as a treat and we can talk and catch up.
She called saying “I’ll be back soon so you can go”, “Oh how come? I dont mind waiting for you”, “Well I do so go”. That hurt. A lot. Gave the kids hugs, ordred the Uber and off I went. Dreams of sharing some food toether and chatting. But no I am just a baby sitter for her.
Still depressed about the whole thing plus I won’t be getting my dream flat for another 7 weeks; it really messed up my head. I was on the computer, watching random stuff to take my mind off things. Then the clock went from 1 to 4 am in a split second, and my back was burning like hell in agony. I checked certain things, and yes, I had a seizure. I love my life.
It’s been a mixed bag of sorts this past week, to be honest. I don’t have the keys for the flat, and I get the answer of “They are still working on it,” which is very useful. I wonder who the last tenant was and how much destruction was involved.
I had some nightmares I couldn’t wake up from, which was a tad annoying. I was up at 5:20 am doing bits and bobs. Then I was cold, so I went back to bed at 9 am. By 11 am, I woke up after stupid dreams. It left me angry and agitated. I hate when that happens. You’re trapped in a flashback, and no matter what you do, you can’t change the thing that is happening to you, and you are powerless. Then you realize you are sleeping. What’s the fastest way to wake yourself up? Eyes. So you’re stuck in a dream, trying to force your eyes open until you wake up and the whole miserable thing ends. You then vow never to sleep again. So let’s see how that one plays out.
The two consultants I saw on Friday were so bad that I raised a formal complaint. As mental health consultants, they should know when they are manipulating or gaslighting. My CPN is looking into it as well.
Yesterday, I was at D’s house babysitting. I managed to get some work done on the computer that is there. Then I opened up a port so I can connect in. As the IP address isn’t static, I’ve knocked up a script hooked up to a cron job, so it lets me know when it’s changed.