Seizures. Surprise Surprise

It’s been a weird day. I was supposed to go see the kids, but I had 3 seizures last night and didn’t fall asleep until 6am. So when I got up at 11am, I was very groggy. I banged my forehead again (zero recollection) and lost 3 hours. Then it happened again at midnight and then an hour at 2.30am. I can still hardly walk to the bathroom and back. Hell, even typing this is difficult as my fingers are still cold (heating is on). Staring at the screen makes me want to throw up.

Oh wait there is more moaning

I got everything ready for a shower the other day. Due to mental health reasons, I don’t shower as much, so I sink-wash. But when I work myself up enough, I go for a proper shower. Moving on, I got into the shower, turned it on, and started doing my hair. Then I noticed the drain is clogged. Since it’s a walk-in shower, it rapidly overflowed. I stopped the shower, got out, and tried to see what’s clogging it, but couldn’t.

Then the pain started as soon as I got up. It felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back, poured petrol on it, and lit it. So, back to being on hands and knees, wet and freezing. Stupid me didn’t take my stick with me, so I managed to grab a towel and dry myself on the floor. Then, hands and knees to my stick, then over to the chair and pulled myself up before getting some painkillers. The bathroom is a mess, but I thought I’ll take care of it later. Ugh. Frikkin’ showers. I told the receptionist that it’s broken, and she smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t know how to fix that, but I’ll leave them a note. It will be Monday or Tuesday, I’m guessing.” Stupid seizures, stupid shower and stupid me.

Today i’ve pretty much done nothing. watched some random stuff and playing a game and annoying people online.

A dull post am afraid.

Random Q’s

How much do I think I rely on external validation?
I suppose most people will be the same. I do rely quite heavily on external validation. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a blog, which is let’s face it- all about you and your world looking for people to comment on or like for validation. In my day-to-day life, it can be the same, “Should I of done that?” “Is that okay?” lots of checking to make sure you are validated. It’s important and I wouldn’t change it because it drives change and keeps you in reality. If I started writing murderous thoughts then people (I hope!) would comment back and say something.

Do I tend to resist or embrace change?
Nope. That’s a big nope. I really have issues when it comes to change. Especially surprise change. That affects me the worst because well, I don’t honestly know why it affects me so badly. I’ll be resistant to the point of stubbornness. Then something will happen and I’ll embrace the change and adapt. But no, generally change is bad. I’d love to be one of those people who can do it straight away when something changes. Rather than being stuck in my old stubborn ways it would be good to try and work on it. For example, the

How did my first heartbreak change me?
That time with your partner is precious. Don’t take them for granted they will always be there. Never let the passion dry out and keep things exciting, trying new things and taking time to talk. Every day. Sometimes that’s never enough but you have to try and want it. If you follow all of that and still have nothing then it’s like giving CPR to a rock. You just have to call it a day I suppose. It made me introspective. I looked at my behaviors more and after a few years you get still get the “I should have done more” or “OMG I was a dickhead”. That’s good and bad. Good that you can look back and see what you did wrong but bad if you dwell on it too much. What is done is done and cannot be undone.

What do I wish people knew about me?
That’s a tough one. I try to be as transparent and open as I can be on the blog, not hiding anything. Maybe I come across as shy but I’m not, it’s just anxiety. That when I walk and stubble, I’m not drunk. I honestly don’t know how to answer this one. I practice witchcraft? suppose that’s something I haven’t talked about. My obsession with the occult and my vast collection of books on the subject. I could do a post about it but not sure if it’s something you should blog about.

That I’m not always going on about mental or physical disabilities on purpose, things just happen to be rough at the moment. It’s a dark phase of my life that will hopefully get better. It’s also my 40th birthday on the 15th. Skipping it I think. Might be best. I’ll probably do a post about that.

Do I consider myself intuitive? why or why not?
Mindfulness and meditation. That would be pretty much everything I do to encourage intuition. I do try and follow my gut feelings and take a moment to reflect before doing something. When I was in the hospital, for the second time in a week, I had a strong gut feeling that D would separate from me. It was a really strong feeling and I was worried about it. I did a post I think saying I hope she doesn’t because she automated everything when I wasn’t there. So I was no longer helpful. It was a big worry for me at the time. Other times I have missed the mark with intuition like when trading stocks. It took a few months to start calling it. I have a gut feeling to move my profits into a commodity and it tanked. Instead of pulling back, I thought it would recover but it totally went the other way. That was in 2015 I believe.

What is a list of things that I find inspiring?
Quotes- I spend a lot of time reading quotes, I just find them so interesting. Especially older quotes from people who have experienced life because it brings a certain wisdom when reading them. I do have a few posts about quotes, my favorites, well, at that moment in time. They change as the mood changes.
People- I find certain people inspiring. The innocence of children and the way they learn, adapt, and process things. That a brain that hasn’t been tainted can think and ask such wonderous things. Old people. They have had a full life and every one of them is unique. I find it inspiring that they are still alive after a hard life, that they didn’t give up. People who try and kill themselves but stop. The massive willpower needed to do that is insane. That inspires me.

What do I know today that I didn’t know last year?
You can enjoy just being still, doing nothing, just sitting and letting the thoughts melt away. I learned this in the hospital.
People-watching is a valid activity.
How to walk with two walking sticks.
Never take anything for granted.
Life can change in an instant.