I’m pretty sure my vape fluid has thickened and turned into a solid *flicks tank* yup. The handyman came round yesterday to look at the list of things that weren’t working. I promise I’m not some arse of a customer who sits and moans all the time, but my god, they are slow here. So the handyman came round, explained that someone with long hair has clogged the sink, and it just won’t drain fast enough. So we fixed that, and I explained that unfortunately, I don’t have lovely golden locks of hair. Next one: light bulb. Instead of taking the broken one out as a reference, he came back twice with the wrong bulb. Then the best one is the heating. He checked it, and everything was fine with it, but no. Still nothing. He said they would have to call a plumber. Freezing.
Freezing. Freezing. Can’t feel fingers.
Fast forward to now, the cleaning staff said it has been cold, and turns out no one had any heating since summer. Fml. Apparently, someone switched it off and must have forgotten to put it back on. Which all the guests here have been freezing. Apparently, it will be turned on soon.
Today I’m feeling a little bit low. It could be the cold causing it because all I want to do is get warm. Even thought about going to D’s house just for respite. The electric blanket is great in theory but not very practical with the short cable. Also got this stupid cough again. I did make an appointment with the doctor this morning who triaged me into next week, thanks NHS. Not even a face to face, that’s the wait for an ’emergency’ call back. Oh well, I guess if they aren’t concerned, then that’s fine.
Not like when they said “If you were to swallow a month’s worth of pills at once, it wouldn’t do much but make you sleepy.” That was just the most fucked up conversation I’ve had in a loooong time. So, for future records I can take all my meds, a month’s worth at 21 per day mandatory comes to 588 a month. Then throw in the diazepam and codeine if I take all them as well, give us 700 pills.
Wake up, coffee. Where is the coffee? Aha, coffee. Make coffee. Shit no water in the kettle. Go to the bathroom and fill up the kettle awkwardly as the tap is bent. Manage to get it half full. I’m still in the motel if you haven’t guessed. The kettle is on! Right find pills for the day, and take the morning ones. Now something to eat for breakfast, aha nutrition bars, they will do. Have one or two of them so the pills can get into action. Kettles boiled. Hurrah now we are in business. Oh am stoned, pills must be working. Sit down and scroll through news and things for an hour.
Right over to the house to see the kids. Right gets ignored by teenage S, and B comes down and gives the best hugs ever. He’s 11. I need him to stay that age. He goes to high school next month and I’m fucking terrified for him. Watch Ben play on one of his many racing games. Suzi comes down for food now and again saying hello and state-ordered hugs. Play with the dogs, take them to the park and back.
Doti has come back from work and I can go to the motel. I go on my laptop and find a pot of something to put hot water into. I wait for that to make a coffee. Dinner time scrolling through the news of the day and eating like a king.
I went through the google downloaded photos again and found a few I would love to share with everyone. Well. Apart from the memes, they just made me smile when I saw them years ago.
I got in touch with the doctor today, well, submitted an online form since they no longer take appointments over the phone. Suppose thats good really considering I would rather die than make a phone call. I don’t know why I just can’t phone or answer the phone to people I dont know. It sets the anxiety overboard and I start over thinking the situation. That does’nt mean I can’t, I’ll answer it if I think I know who it is. Otherwise its a voicemail and I’ll call them back. That was my hack to get through it.
I explained the problems on the forms lovely white, empty box. I wrote a frikkin’ novel but hopefully it will make sense to them. On Friday I felt so bad I took half a bottle of promazine, my usual dose is 5ml. Not 150ml. So I woke up in a dazed state on Saturday. Anxiety pain and negative thoughts were still there. So solution? Yes. You guessed it. More meds. So rather than the 7mg diazepam I take at night for terrors I decided in my ultimate wisdom to pop 25mg. It worked. The thoughts stopped for an hour or so as I sat on the sofa drooling. Then I found some codiene. This is the point where you say “FFS”. So had 150mg of that. And that got rid of the thoughts and paranoia. Not content with the about of pills I had consumed, I raided my stash and had another 25mg of diazepam.
I haven’t had any yet. Whilst walking the dog yesterday I noticed an ambundance of magic mushrooms growing on the playing fields. I can safely say I was strong and didn’t pick them. Adding that to the mix wouldn’t really of helped matters. I dont know why always go back to pill taking to escape from my problems. The voices are pretty loud and the other guy is on auto-repeat with added images! So getting off my face on drugs quitens it but weakens the control. I won’t go into that again.
Anyways, explained all this on the form so hopefully I’ll get a phone call today and reopen my referral to CMHT since I’ve been on the waiting list for a new thearapist for the past year.