He150ken. A delayed treat.


He159ken as a delayed treat tonight. I was supposed to have a beer on Friday, but for whatever reason, I didn’t pick one up. Not that I actually go to shops to buy things, but I didn’t get it with the usual Deliveroo shop on a Thursday to D’s house, to then take back with me to Das Motel.

So yes, He159ken, as it’s known this year, is quite a nice break from the odd ales that I would pick from. My dad used to work at the He159ken brewery in Holland. I think that might have led to my decision. I feel so sorry for the delivery people today though. so we had 4 deliveries at D’s house. I’m sure the neighbors must think bad things, but I had Amazon dropping off a game for me and R to play next time she visits, which will be here at the motel. But we will be going to a cafe to have tea and cake, then back here for board games. I need to check if we could sit in the function room here as more space to play.

Aside from the game, two food shops came in for treats for everyone, and then a beer shop with two bottles. There was an offer on for £7 for two and no delivery fees, which isn’t that bad. I know it’s cheaper to walk to the shop but don’t know if I could last that long. Although thinking about it, I should have tried. My head is still a bit wobbly from yesterday’s denting.

I spent the day at D’s, which was oddly enjoyable. It was nice spending some time with B when D went out to collect S. I got the Nintendo Switches all sorted for B, S, R, and me with a yearly family pass thing. £45, including the expansion packs, which was a really good deal. You can have up to 8 people in the group, so 4 left. I’m not sure if you all have to be under the same roof, but it’s working for R, who doesn’t live at D’s, so should be fine.

I think I expect too much of the kids now that they are teenagers. So hanging out with Dad isn’t cool anymore or anything, but it makes me a little sad. I asked a few times, went to their rooms, and no. S was in a sulk, and B just wanted to play on his machine, even though I charged and set up his Switch to run from the group account so he can get all the family perks. I did get a goodbye by him yelling from a closed door, so I guess that’s something?

So I’m back at the motel now; the heating has been on, so I’m nice and warm for a change. I dropped my washing off with reception for two loads (£5 per load), not expecting it to be ready for a week, but they left it today in my room, all washed, dried, and folded. Awesome. D also washed one of my jumpers, so at least I’ll be warm during the day when the heating’s off or if I go meet people I was supposed to meet in town, but I’ll try that again this week.

My psychotherapy has also come through after a 3-year wait. That starts on Thursday at the hospital for 1 hour a week. I had the respiratory clinic on Friday, and they think I have COPD, which makes sense when I smoked from 13 all the way till I was 30, so pretty much no new treatment. Take the blue inhaler when I need to and take the purple/brown one a day. Come back every year for a check-up.

I think I’ve turned another corner with me and D and moving on with stuff, I don’t have gut-wrenching agony when I leave, and I’m starting to see D as a friend more than anything else. I still need to stop buying her random treats when I order stuff, but that’s more a habit and a recognition that she deserves it for doing everything.

The D-day is finally coming towards us for the flat. I just need to get inside and see what I need and what I want to do. Considering I’m putting all my eggs in one basket, I really hope the place is okay in terms of neighbors, space, and things like that. They made it clear that if I reject this one, I will lose my homeless status, and I’d have to bid for houses and have the customary 1-year wait. But yeah, that’s where I’m up to with things.


Beer = win.
Kids could be better but all part of growing up. No heart breaking when I leave D’s house, and generally in a good place today for a change, which is awesome.

Various Artists

So, it’s been a while since I posted anything. Sorry about that. I had to take a few days to clear my headspace, which has worked wonders I must say. That was sarcastic, I did nothing apart from be suicidal. I reached out for help and got some. I had a seizure this morning. It only lasted a few minutes, but my central nervous system is playing hell today. Just constant jerks of the hands. Which I must say while holding a cup of tea, my laptop feared for its life. Such an annoying after effect. I ended up sitting on my right hand as that was the culprit. Could still feel it twinging but it’s okay now. I would love to know how this all started. That something can just ‘go wrong’ and that’s it your landed with a thing, disorder whatever and that’s your life now. You must learn the triggers. Thank god in a way that I was already messed up with BPD, so I knew the basics of identifying a trigger or even knowing what one was, otherwise I’d be totally lost.

It’s annoying that I have both things though. If I’m not suicidal, self-harming or emotionally available, then I’m passing out, zoning out and have seizures. To have them both in the same 24-hour period is difficult for. I’m sure everyone else out there can cope, but I’m struggling. I know that in a matter of weeks I will be in my dream house when they finish the electrics and that I’ll be very happy there. At the same time, I also realise that it’s going to be same shit different day and that I will still need to prepare for it happening. Therefore, living with it seems the only logical explanation so I’ll do some more research. Bard (google AI) has taken a beating the past two days with suicidal ideation. It detects it from the questions you are asking, so it includes a prewritten response of go and seek help, here are some phone numbers. But if you phrase things differently you can some seriously messed up stats and information out of it. I’m not going to post on here what I’ve been searching for. I wouldn’t like to be the one who throws you down the rabbit hole.

Nice to see that not content with one war, let’s start another in the middle east. Guessing here in the UK, we have spread ourselves thin with ammunition so we can’t follow blindness the US and donate to the cause. I don’t really do politics, sides, and general argumentative statements on here. Simply because I was just love people stop killing each other. Theres big business involved in killing so it’s not something that can be stopped. I often think of the world, how would I judge the human race. If anyone from a different angle saw the earth, would they judge all of us as a blood thirsty species? Or many we get lucky, and they look at a nice suburb somewhere with a nice fence around, a gated community. Anyways, enough of that before I get dragged into an argument. I’m in the pro-USA & special relationship that we have with them camp.

I was up at 3am this morning as I just rage-quit life at 8pm thinking ‘Fuck it, today can just stop’. It was nice being up so early music blaring on the headphones, but the one annoyance is that I can’t boil the kettle to make a cup of tea. This for us brits is a crazy situation, so I sat there waiting till 7am before I could use the kettle to not wake or anger the general population in the motel (the walls are very thin. Talking two slabs of plaster board sealed together to separate the rooms. Remember advert years ago, it was Nike or something or other where they could run through the walls of a building. Pretty much this place.

Frikkin seizures’ because I have a strategic meeting, whatever that is, with all my support people across all agencies meeting at once to discuss me and how my case is doing. Peter, one of the social workers explained that its nothing to worry about, that I don’t have to attend if I didn’t want to, we agreed yesterday that I’ll join through teams and do it that way. He also said I can leave at any time too. It’s at 3pm and will last an hour. I’m nervous about it, especially with everyone joining in. I think the only thing that I can ask for is some support with care, staying here for another few weeks and that’s about it really. I know my psychotherapy will start soon which is great that they’ve FINALLY done something about it.

I’ll go and pace the room till 3pm.

The Volga River flows into the Caspian Sea
The Volga River flows into the Caspian Sea by NASA Johnson is licensed under CC-BY-NC-ND 2.0