One day I’ll start a post with good news.

I had a seizure from 12 pm to 2.30 pm. No recollection, just eerie muscle aching, head laying on desk. Fortunately, no dents in my head this time. I did bust my lip but that I don’t mind so much. So that’s the timer reset to today, for the driving license I need to have no seizures for 12 months. This was the longest I’ve been without seizures. 10 days. Well, it’s a start. I’m also trying to understand the symptoms so I can beat it and lie down before it happens. Since I don’t have a memory a few minutes prior or post, it makes it difficult.

Today has been a quiet day, I’ve been spending it either zoned out or hyper-vigilant, with music playing so it’s not too bad. Did the remote school run, asking the kids how their day was. It’s a nice thing for me as I feel more included in their lives. Granted, I can’t do much remotely, but I do control the good behavior system and allocate money depending on the job. I started thinking they were making up what they said they were doing, so new photo evidence is required before payment of services, which S did without arguing.

Ugh. Hate this spaced-out feeling. My eyes are heavy despite heavy rubbing, just in case it was the moisturizer that I put on. But no. I slip between awake and doing things, to half-sleep energy drained. Wonder what’s causing it.

The flat

Good news though, it’s almost the 29th when the flat will be ready. I’ve been checking in for what seems like forever to see if it’s done earlier but no. I can’t buy anything yet till I’ve seen the inside of the flat and can plan where things go.

My priorities:

  1. Pay a week’s worth of rent as a deposit.
  2. Use saved money to get a man with a van to move everything Doti has packed.
  3. If the oven and stove are working, great. If not, pick up an air fryer from FB Marketplace.
  4. Get some sort of bed to sleep on. The council said they’d help with that.

If I can get these four main priorities done, then I’ll be really happy. There are a few things to take apart from the cartons, such as a coffee machine, budgies, a chest of drawers that currently live on top of each other, a white foldaway desk, and my chair. I also need to look for a sofa, so off to the charity shops I go. It needs to be a sofa bed as I’ll be sleeping on it until I can afford a bed, unless the council puts one in before I move in. Otherwise, I have plenty of blankets.

flat white and blue striped throw pillow on white bed
Photo by La Miko on Pexels.com

Seizures. Surprise Surprise

It’s been a weird day. I was supposed to go see the kids, but I had 3 seizures last night and didn’t fall asleep until 6am. So when I got up at 11am, I was very groggy. I banged my forehead again (zero recollection) and lost 3 hours. Then it happened again at midnight and then an hour at 2.30am. I can still hardly walk to the bathroom and back. Hell, even typing this is difficult as my fingers are still cold (heating is on). Staring at the screen makes me want to throw up.

Oh wait there is more moaning

I got everything ready for a shower the other day. Due to mental health reasons, I don’t shower as much, so I sink-wash. But when I work myself up enough, I go for a proper shower. Moving on, I got into the shower, turned it on, and started doing my hair. Then I noticed the drain is clogged. Since it’s a walk-in shower, it rapidly overflowed. I stopped the shower, got out, and tried to see what’s clogging it, but couldn’t.

Then the pain started as soon as I got up. It felt like someone stabbed me in the lower back, poured petrol on it, and lit it. So, back to being on hands and knees, wet and freezing. Stupid me didn’t take my stick with me, so I managed to grab a towel and dry myself on the floor. Then, hands and knees to my stick, then over to the chair and pulled myself up before getting some painkillers. The bathroom is a mess, but I thought I’ll take care of it later. Ugh. Frikkin’ showers. I told the receptionist that it’s broken, and she smiled and said, “Oh, I don’t know how to fix that, but I’ll leave them a note. It will be Monday or Tuesday, I’m guessing.” Stupid seizures, stupid shower and stupid me.

Today i’ve pretty much done nothing. watched some random stuff and playing a game and annoying people online.

A dull post am afraid.

Seizures. All day. ALL day.

Talk about relentless all day, the seizures were constant and I couldn’t do a thing about them. I had two in the morning, which left me in bed as they came with paralysis on my left hand side. Then another one at 6 pm, which is why I’m finding it so hard to type things out. So why do a post? Stubborn, mostly. Since I was bedridden, I slept on and off all day, so my body clock is out. It’s 2.52 am here.

So, I’m feeling better about the divorce and the fact that, at least on my part, we are still friends. Even if it’s for the kids’ sake, they are old enough to understand. Besides, they get an extra birthday, extra Christmas. I’m still around a few days every week. Ugh, this is annoying. Whenever I type, it’s missing letters. Hopefully, the spell check will find them.

The jerking is still the most annoying side of this whole thing. Imagine someone following you who randomly pushes your arms out. So reaching for a drink makes you tip it out or drop food. All sorts, so you just say sorry all the time; I hate it.

I’ll stop before the rambling gets worse.

Random Musings

So random thoughts and musings going on in my mind today. I saw R today; her mum dropped her off at D’s house. We walked down to a local cafe and had lunch, cake, and tea. Well, she had a smoothie.

Shit. Seizuring. Not long, 1 minute. Listening to music, and when that happens, it’s a weird one. There I am, listening to a song, and then poof minute gone. I’m not surprised that it’s happening; it’s late, and I had a busy day. But yes, a nice little reminder “hi fnd is stiill here have a zap”. My hands are still numb, but it’s spread to my palm on my left hand; the right hand isn’t as bad now, but oddly my little toe is numb as well, which is completely random. I’ll make an appointment with the GP tomorrow.

The motel

~~Exciting development in the motel. I heard rats outside my window. Squeaking away as they scuttled around. I know they have rat traps, but yeah. Fun. So I’m keeping the window closed and guarding my stash of noodles, tuna, and salmon.

One night when I came back late, this must have been a week ago now, I walked into the motel and this guy was standing close behind me. As it was after curfew, I had to type the code on the keypad. So I started to worry as the guy was standing quite close, like he was going to run in after me. So I stared at him, he showed me his key. He doesn’t speak a word of English, is black, and looks like he’s from Africa as he has a twinge of a French accent. So that’s just by the way. I showed him the code and showed him how to get in. Turns out he’s my next-door neighbor with bad habits. I can hear him constantly making weird, random noises. Wailing, giggling, sighing really loudly. Now I have to shake my legs constantly, so tapping. The problem is my desk is against his wall, so I know that when I shake, I’m then shaking something in his room. I started doing it more and more while he still makes odd noises. Then I can hear him moving things, looking for the source. It amuses me. Simple things.~~

In closing…

struggling to type at the moment. They keep happening. I’ll go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling for a bit. Oh, and still no heating. My caseworker has been in touch with the housing team to get them to ask why it isn’t on. Most hotels I have been in always have the heating on, and you just set the thermostat to what you need. Anyways, random. Sums up this place. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy here, I have a bed instead of a sofa, and now with an electric blanket, it keeps me warm.

random white pills spilled on table
Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com

Sleep demons part two

I’m getting bored of this now.

It wasn’t even late when it happened. I was talking to R who shouldn’t have been up late and then all of a sudden it was 3 a.m. I’ve checked the history again; nothing. I then checked the logs on the machine, it showed nothing. My glasses were on the floor under the desk, so they somehow fell off. I didn’t get any more cuts on my forehead. It was as if I turned off, my head went down, my glasses came off, and then magically it was 3 a.m. I’m not exhausted, hell I wasn’t even tired. It just happened.

I know I need to see the doctor which I will but it’s a bank holiday here today so everything is shut. So I’ll have to wait till 7:30 a.m. tomorrow to fill in a form and see if I’m lucky enough for a callback. It’s going to just be the same thing, learn to live with it but I don’t. Like a petulant child throwing his toy across the room. I don’t want to live like this. Am I just supposed to accept that I am missing time?
I did feel a bit weird before it happened. I think I’m starting to pick up when it’ll happen. If I can do that then maybe I can distract myself from it happening.

I know it’s hard to believe. Seizures come in all shapes and sizes. It could be a lot worse,e I could be conscious when I can’t move or do anything. I think if it ever progressed to that a ligature of rope and sturdy light fitting it would be. I wouldn’t even need the light fitting. I’ve just used the rope. Or tie wraps. That way I couldn’t back out.

That got morbid fast.

I got a text that I’ve had my stay at the motel extended to the 6th of September which is a relief. I was really worried they would kick me out and I’d have to move back. I wouldn’t have a problem with that but D most likely would. I think she just wants to move on but can’t because all my crap is there. Although she could box it all up and move it to her storage unit and bill me for it.

My muscles are so rigid. Like they’ve been tensed for hours and they just fucking ache like hell. I keep strutting around the room to try and ease them off but feels like I have swollen feet.
My god I moan. If a dog moaned this much you’d put the bastard down lol.

Happier things.

The girl’s weekend down to Brighton went okay. D took S to see her over the phone friend and it was a big success. They had a sleep and S was very excited the next day. Hopefully, they’ll keep in touch and maybe her friend can come up here. I think S would love that. It’s great when she’s happy. Being a teenager can’t be much fun but when they are happy I think it’s amazing. I think D secretly had a good time staying in an Airbnb and walking along the seafront. Shame about the 6 hour drive they had to do but far better than getting the train while everyone is on strike.

Almost forgot, I had breakfast with an old friend yesterday which was nice. We went to a not-so-sticky floor restaurant/bar and had a full English breakfast with extra back pudding for me. It was amazing. Great company and great food. After dropping them off along the way I started to feel funny so was in a mad rush to get back to the safety of the motel. But that aside it was great to get out and talk to people again.

I’m thinking of taking R to the Trafford Centre to play mini golf or bowling this week. Will need to ask her mum and see what she says. It makes sense to me as lot of shops to go in and lots of benches if I need a break to sit down. Gtot a little bit of money stashed away so can use that for lunch. Then her mum can hopefully collect her.

I’ve rambled enough. Another cup of tea and I’ll lay down in bed and see what happens.

Oh a random photo. Almost forgot.

A challenge

Hi guys,
If you cast your mind back a couple of months, I did a poem-a-day challenge. This time I want to do questions based on only ten days’ worth. I’ll be starting them tomorrow. Some of them are annoying, some funny and some even scandalous.

Hopefully, you guys have had a good day today. My back is killing but finally found a position in the chair that’s not causing spasms. Spasms are awesome when you are typing. Hey here is a free advert for you, Grammerly you are awesome, and I use you heavily. It’s a match made in heaven, you fix mistakes and I’m the world’s biggest mistake. Enough of that.

The past two days have been messed up. My brain, walking and sleeping. I’ve not banged my head since two days ago but had my finger almost break when my head fell on it. Whether these fun little seizures stop is anyone’s guess.

Shit. That was the under-the-rug stuff. Oh well. When I was in hospital the doctor warned me this might happen. So far it’s only happened at night and in front of a laptop. The first time I was flat out for 7 hours but was still upright so it was like. I was looking at the time, I blinked and then it was 6.59 in the morning. The next day I was in the middle of a post then woke up three hours later, my face planted on the laptop and desk and a HUGE lump on my forehead from the edge of the laptop. The next day, the same thing but hit further up on the forehead. And lastly, one where I bent my finger.
As you can imagine because of that my sleep patterns are out the window. Went to bed a 5 a.m. as was scared I’d have another one. Slept. Woke up at 3 pm and started the day, Nothing yet. Just a very sore head inside and out. Maybe when D used to say I’d fall asleep and stay in one position all night and I ached from it the next day, they were seizures too.

I’ll see a doctor if it happens again, thankfully it’s only nighttime and not when I’m driving or walking about.


Daily writing prompt
Tell us about the last thing you got excited about.

My bestie coming over from Sheffield to meet me in Machester city centre.

I booked a hotel for us. Reasonably priced at £100 a night but you have a checkout time of 12 the next day. Planning to get hammered with him and have a night of talking, catching up, some good food and a wander around town to see the old places we used to go. I wanted to stop at a sushi restaurant but wasn’t sure if he would like it. We went to one for his birthday a long time ago. 2012? See that number in my head means nothing, it was like it was yesterday not a decade ago. then go to ye old pub and sit and talk to the small hours, climb into bed and have a lay in till 11 am. Then get some brunch from Wetherspoons before walking him back to the train station and hugging him goodbye.

He messaged that he was ill and couldn’t make it.

I’m trying to silence my mind on this.

Half of me is screaming “Ha this is what you deserve, you can’t have friends” Then the other half is “OMG is he okay? He has a gut problem”. So depends on which way I look at it. Friends running away from me because I’m a dickhead and a loser. Living in a fucking motel not knowing what’s going to happen next, two frikkin seizures I’ve not told anyone about. Pathetic. A pathetic piece of shit who does nothing but burden people and make it about you. You fucking loser. Do it. You’ve got the pills.

Then of course the logical side says thank god he’s okay and it’s nothing serious. We can meet up again another time, it isn’t a problem. I got the money back from the hotel so no loss. Hopefully, he hasn’t bought his train tickets yet. But you can get a refund on those too. If he’s not up to it, it’s not his fault that his body is being lame.

Oh, mental health. Starting to love you as much as physical help.

Two seizures. Two sets of bumps on my forehead, One biten tongue.

Piss take.

Wow this QOTD went dark fast. I’m not going to kill myself I’m capable of telling my brain to stop and have coping mechanisms in place for when this kind of thing happens.