Freezing. Still. Bastards

I’m pretty sure my vape fluid has thickened and turned into a solid *flicks tank* yup. The handyman came round yesterday to look at the list of things that weren’t working. I promise I’m not some arse of a customer who sits and moans all the time, but my god, they are slow here. So the handyman came round, explained that someone with long hair has clogged the sink, and it just won’t drain fast enough. So we fixed that, and I explained that unfortunately, I don’t have lovely golden locks of hair. Next one: light bulb. Instead of taking the broken one out as a reference, he came back twice with the wrong bulb. Then the best one is the heating. He checked it, and everything was fine with it, but no. Still nothing. He said they would have to call a plumber. Freezing.

Freezing. Freezing. Can’t feel fingers.

Fast forward to now, the cleaning staff said it has been cold, and turns out no one had any heating since summer. Fml. Apparently, someone switched it off and must have forgotten to put it back on. Which all the guests here have been freezing. Apparently, it will be turned on soon.

Today I’m feeling a little bit low. It could be the cold causing it because all I want to do is get warm. Even thought about going to D’s house just for respite. The electric blanket is great in theory but not very practical with the short cable. Also got this stupid cough again. I did make an appointment with the doctor this morning who triaged me into next week, thanks NHS. Not even a face to face, that’s the wait for an ’emergency’ call back. Oh well, I guess if they aren’t concerned, then that’s fine.

Not like when they said “If you were to swallow a month’s worth of pills at once, it wouldn’t do much but make you sleepy.” That was just the most fucked up conversation I’ve had in a loooong time. So, for future records I can take all my meds, a month’s worth at 21 per day mandatory comes to 588 a month. Then throw in the diazepam and codeine if I take all them as well, give us 700 pills.

OMG OMG Heating is on!!

freezing dog wearing crochet scarf with fringe while sitting on snow selective focus photography
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Documentaries & Capital Punishment

Documentaries & capital punishment. Lately, I’ve been watching documentaries on the BBC iPlayer site, mostly featuring Louis Theroux. He briefly mentioned documentaries that had an impact on him and listed several. I’ve been working my way through them. One of them follows a man during his last 14 days on death row and continues up to and after his execution. It’s called “14 Days in May.” Coming from a country that does not have the death penalty, documentaries that cover and explain it are always appreciated. Newspapers here go absolutely crazy on the subject, as does the general public. While there have been crimes that have warranted the death penalty, usually prison justice serves its purpose. Unless they are segregated, then it becomes easy street.

I’m not 100% sure on the issue of capital punishment. I do agree that sometimes people deserve to have their life taken for the crimes they have done. Not just flat-out murder; personally, it should apply to crimes that carry a psychological aspect. Raping, molesting, sex trafficking, kidnapping, and any one of those combined with murder, in my own mind, would warrant it. Not just because it’s a crime that was carried out on me, but leaving mental scars is awful. Death? It’s a done deal. But if you are forced to watch your parents being slaughtered and then summarily raped, that to me is worse. Death will come and go, but everything else lingers and never truly disappears.

That harm is lifelong. Should that then later cause the suicide of the victim, and if it shows it was related to the crime, then they should have that added to the sentence at least.

The documentary left an impression. It was sad that 40 years ago, if the crime you committed was black on white rather than white on black, there were significant differences between sentences. I think the statistic was that 1 in 4 black people received capital punishment compared to 1 in 20 for whites. Something like that, it’s in the documentary. Thankfully, nowadays we have DNA evidence, which, if it links you directly to a crime, the glove obviously fits. It was quite fascinating to see someone so calm and devoted to the belief that God is making the decision whether he lives or dies. Then, to find out after he died that someone was a witness to the crime but was told to go away by the police.

That’s a hard one to swallow. Seven years and he might be innocent. I do hope, though, that in this day and age, this sort of injustice cannot happen. I can’t comment on America, but when it comes to blacks, they really don’t have the best record. I like to think that here in the UK, outside of London, crimes are more evenly split. Something tells me that when I go and look at statistics, I will be shocked.

Documentaries & Capital Punishment
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Its in the kool aid. Leadership 101.

Daily writing prompt
Do you see yourself as a leader?

Yes. Yes, I do.

See I’m fortunate, some may disagree with that, taking an obscene amount of medication daily. Any fears, anxiety or doubts are usually fleeting. When the crunch comes I always rise to the call. I’m terrible on a 121 basis, but in a group setting, herding people into groups to accomplish tasks whilst focussing on the bigger picture has never really been a problem. Most jobs in my life have been fiendishly stressful and draining. Thanks to those medications it made me inebriated and loose enough to function well.

Head of marketing and IT was my hardest job, leading a team of coders, designers and tech staff gave me a lot of pleasure in seeing how well we all worked together. Because of that great team work, I was able to relax and the 121 stuff wasn’t so bad in the end.

I’m not afraid to be the first one to say Yes! or speak up in a room. I am likely to talk over you to be heard. I can and will be a twat. The total opposite of what I am outside of work. I’m defensive of my team and would take a hit for them frequently. I would use my bonus to buy them things, flowers, toys, and spa days. We would have a monthly meal somewhere nice for lunch.

Unfortunately, you then get jealous people, such as an operations director, who had no control over my team become very rattled and insecure. He pushed me at every turn to leave the company and eventually after my mental health ‘broke’ I was gone. Huh. In a previous answer to QOTD I said I had no grudges. He has a grudge. Down and down I plummeted to a lifestyle of drugs, unhealthy coping skills and struggling to keep going. I self-harmed excessively, dabbled in suicide and was unstable.
Huh. Can see why the wife left me rea…………. When the hell did this post become so damn depressing.

Are you a leader?
Yes. Yes I believe I am

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Released without charge

I’m back. I’ve had my little sulk and feeling sorry for myself but that is over now. I know the words weren’t said in malice but in no way did that detract from the painfulness of the words. I’ve decided not to tell the person involved because, well, I took the insult that wasn’t meant and forgive them in my absence.

The heat is still here! I have proclaimed so many times I’m not a fan of the heat but omg it has to go. It’s just a constant heat all day, every day for the past 4-5 days. I can cope during the day but at night time, it’s just awful. I never understood why Britain is always lagging behind other countries, Most modern countries have air conditioning but no. Not Britain. We have to be different and treat it as an extravagance. Maybe that’s down to the climate here. But if warmer summers are going to be hitting us every year then I can see a massive rise in sales! Must remember to buy shares in air conditioning companies in the UK.

I’ve spent Friday to Saturday at Doti’s house with the kids. There was a huge argument at 10 a.m. about noise. Ben is over-sensitive again with this dysphonia. I hate that condition. I truly do. So he was screaming because Suzi was on call with her friends. So went to check with Suzi and she was on Netflix. Asked her to put in headphones as it was late and got a whole load of abuse and a door being slammed in my face. I cannot begin to describe the anger one feels as a door is slammed in one’s face. Fuck me. I lost my temper and proceeded to explain I would rip the door off, followed by trying to punch through the door till there was silence. Headphones had gone in. Internet access is cut off at 11 pm on non-school nights and apart from Ben coming down in the middle of the night for a glass of water and a hug, it passed with ease. I forgot how much heat the house holds. Faced with the demonic bone-twisting sofa it took me ages to fall asleep. Then I remembered I hadn’t taken my evening meds so was out like a lamp after taking them.

I’m guessing most people can read behind the lines when Doti doesn’t come back till the next day, that she isn’t staying at her mums like I tell the kids. It’s an odd feeling. The person you love is staying over at her boyfriend’s house whilst you sleep in a house steeped in memories of the relationship you had. Still loving this person who you would do anything for, your wife still legally, has a boyfriend. Your thoughts constantly annoy you with regret and pain. You know there is nothing you can do about it but just plod on. Just when you think you have it covered. Boom. Can you stay over while I go to my boyfriend’s house? Yeah thanks, see you later. Ugh. I’ll get over it. Just feels weird and wrong for me at the moment.

I was depressed about everything Friday night. Probably contributed to the now bruised knuckles on both hands. Then didn’t sleep well at the house and when I got back to the motel I was distraught. I called the mental health crisis line and spoke to them for what seemed like an hour. They called me back a couple of times to make sure I was okay. I took a bunch of PRN meds, which is what they are there for, fell asleep, watched MasterChef and managed to schedule a couple of posts on here.

I’m still pretty low at the moment but plans to end my life are on pause. I’ve decided to work through and the pros & cons have helped. It’ll just take a few days and some space if that’s even possible. I have my consultant and CPN on Monday, and right after that, I have to go back to the house. That will trigger and the whole fucking week will be groundhog day. I have work to do for the charity almost every day of the week, next week, as there is a backlog of device requests I need to unblock.

I’ve missed out on seeing Rebecca today because of the depressed stuff. She’s the one person who has never seen me at my worst. I just don’t have it in me to be normal today. Which makes it even all the worse. Next weekend. Next Sunday. Things should be better by then. In the meantime, I’ll do some posts as that helps me 😊

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Halfway house

I’m trying to sleep but I’m struggling. I don’t want the Valium as I’ll just get hung over again like I was all this morning. It’s fine when you have nothing to do the next day but I’ve got stuff that needs to get done

Problem one: I need to wake up at or before 9:30 a.m. to speak to Mental Health services about seeing the consultant for an assessment. I can’t for the life of me figure out what for. Is there some magic wand or stick he points at me and poof suddenly I’m okay again. I’m depressed because I lost my independence with FND crippling me, my wife left, living in a motel while the council find me a flat and yeah to me that is a lot going which explains the depression. Am I thinking of killing myself? yes but that’s just thoughts, I’m not taking active steps in following through on plans. So back to the question at hand. Why do I need to see him? My meds are fine, don’t mess with them they are working. If I wanted a chat I’d call the mental health helpline.

Problem two: I need to find a laundrette that collects my dirty washing and drops it off all nice and clean. There are no facilities here to wash your clothes which is fair enough. Unless I wait till Wednesday and wash them while I’m at Doti’s house. My house. The house, old house. And use the machine we have there. It’s only two loads so should have it done by home time. Unless I come on Tuesday and stay, but then I need to be at the office. Hmm. I’ll find a laundrette and get it sorted. I think my social worker found one…. I remember he did and texted me the number. So will ring them and see what the deal is.

Problem three: Meeting with a social worker. I can’t remember which one I’m meeting (currently 3) tomorrow and where. Usually, it’s a place just down the road from where I used to live. There are offices there and even a cafe inside. All are hidden behind the main street. I know it’s at 1 pm. So mass text would be the solution.

Problem four: Insomnia. No caffeine drinks after 7 p.m. Make an appointment with the doctor.

Problem five: Exercise. Part of the recovery is to get the strength back in my body to move around. I can hobble a short distance but need to find a way of doing it but seating is available every hundred feet or so. That way I woke fall over and collapse. I would love to walk down the main road and do it but I checked today and there are no benches. Maybe a park would be better. I’ll have a look online and see if there are any good ones. I think there is one with a lake that has benches along it so I could try that.

Thank you for reading my boring list of chores. I’ll attempt to sleep now. It’s warm. There is no breeze. Agh.


Daily writing prompt
Tell us about the last thing you got excited about.

My bestie coming over from Sheffield to meet me in Machester city centre.

I booked a hotel for us. Reasonably priced at £100 a night but you have a checkout time of 12 the next day. Planning to get hammered with him and have a night of talking, catching up, some good food and a wander around town to see the old places we used to go. I wanted to stop at a sushi restaurant but wasn’t sure if he would like it. We went to one for his birthday a long time ago. 2012? See that number in my head means nothing, it was like it was yesterday not a decade ago. then go to ye old pub and sit and talk to the small hours, climb into bed and have a lay in till 11 am. Then get some brunch from Wetherspoons before walking him back to the train station and hugging him goodbye.

He messaged that he was ill and couldn’t make it.

I’m trying to silence my mind on this.

Half of me is screaming “Ha this is what you deserve, you can’t have friends” Then the other half is “OMG is he okay? He has a gut problem”. So depends on which way I look at it. Friends running away from me because I’m a dickhead and a loser. Living in a fucking motel not knowing what’s going to happen next, two frikkin seizures I’ve not told anyone about. Pathetic. A pathetic piece of shit who does nothing but burden people and make it about you. You fucking loser. Do it. You’ve got the pills.

Then of course the logical side says thank god he’s okay and it’s nothing serious. We can meet up again another time, it isn’t a problem. I got the money back from the hotel so no loss. Hopefully, he hasn’t bought his train tickets yet. But you can get a refund on those too. If he’s not up to it, it’s not his fault that his body is being lame.

Oh, mental health. Starting to love you as much as physical help.

Two seizures. Two sets of bumps on my forehead, One biten tongue.

Piss take.

Wow this QOTD went dark fast. I’m not going to kill myself I’m capable of telling my brain to stop and have coping mechanisms in place for when this kind of thing happens.

Midlife Madness

So today is my birthday!

40 years, never in a million years did I think I would make it to this milestone. Despite trying my best to kill myself multiple times, I am somehow still here. I find that cause to celebrate. A subway with all the toppings is en route.

I got cards this morning and S made me some stickers to use. I had a meeting with a few people this morning to do with mental health. They are going to put a few things in place to help out. I had to show them my arm with all the bruising from the past few days. They said that when it turns into killing myself then call the emergency services. Because obviously, you think of doing that when you are in the ‘zone’. I guess they have to tell you that just in case you do something so they are covered.

They’ve arranged a big meeting in September where all my caseworkers are being assembled to see if they have sorted my housing and mental health things out. It’s an accountability meeting with 7 people on the must-attend list. That petrifies me, but the social worker this morning reassured me about it. It’s a good meeting not a bad one and if I don’t want it all at once I can separate it. He is also going to chase up the housing officer who has been assigned my case to see what steps he is taking to make things happen. Basically, I need a place to live. Then everything else will fall into place.

R remembered it was my birthday and sent me wishes. This made me happy.

I’ll probably do a QOTD since I love doing them, later.

40 more years. Christ.

Random Q’s

How much do I think I rely on external validation?
I suppose most people will be the same. I do rely quite heavily on external validation. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a blog, which is let’s face it- all about you and your world looking for people to comment on or like for validation. In my day-to-day life, it can be the same, “Should I of done that?” “Is that okay?” lots of checking to make sure you are validated. It’s important and I wouldn’t change it because it drives change and keeps you in reality. If I started writing murderous thoughts then people (I hope!) would comment back and say something.

Do I tend to resist or embrace change?
Nope. That’s a big nope. I really have issues when it comes to change. Especially surprise change. That affects me the worst because well, I don’t honestly know why it affects me so badly. I’ll be resistant to the point of stubbornness. Then something will happen and I’ll embrace the change and adapt. But no, generally change is bad. I’d love to be one of those people who can do it straight away when something changes. Rather than being stuck in my old stubborn ways it would be good to try and work on it. For example, the

How did my first heartbreak change me?
That time with your partner is precious. Don’t take them for granted they will always be there. Never let the passion dry out and keep things exciting, trying new things and taking time to talk. Every day. Sometimes that’s never enough but you have to try and want it. If you follow all of that and still have nothing then it’s like giving CPR to a rock. You just have to call it a day I suppose. It made me introspective. I looked at my behaviors more and after a few years you get still get the “I should have done more” or “OMG I was a dickhead”. That’s good and bad. Good that you can look back and see what you did wrong but bad if you dwell on it too much. What is done is done and cannot be undone.

What do I wish people knew about me?
That’s a tough one. I try to be as transparent and open as I can be on the blog, not hiding anything. Maybe I come across as shy but I’m not, it’s just anxiety. That when I walk and stubble, I’m not drunk. I honestly don’t know how to answer this one. I practice witchcraft? suppose that’s something I haven’t talked about. My obsession with the occult and my vast collection of books on the subject. I could do a post about it but not sure if it’s something you should blog about.

That I’m not always going on about mental or physical disabilities on purpose, things just happen to be rough at the moment. It’s a dark phase of my life that will hopefully get better. It’s also my 40th birthday on the 15th. Skipping it I think. Might be best. I’ll probably do a post about that.

Do I consider myself intuitive? why or why not?
Mindfulness and meditation. That would be pretty much everything I do to encourage intuition. I do try and follow my gut feelings and take a moment to reflect before doing something. When I was in the hospital, for the second time in a week, I had a strong gut feeling that D would separate from me. It was a really strong feeling and I was worried about it. I did a post I think saying I hope she doesn’t because she automated everything when I wasn’t there. So I was no longer helpful. It was a big worry for me at the time. Other times I have missed the mark with intuition like when trading stocks. It took a few months to start calling it. I have a gut feeling to move my profits into a commodity and it tanked. Instead of pulling back, I thought it would recover but it totally went the other way. That was in 2015 I believe.

What is a list of things that I find inspiring?
Quotes- I spend a lot of time reading quotes, I just find them so interesting. Especially older quotes from people who have experienced life because it brings a certain wisdom when reading them. I do have a few posts about quotes, my favorites, well, at that moment in time. They change as the mood changes.
People- I find certain people inspiring. The innocence of children and the way they learn, adapt, and process things. That a brain that hasn’t been tainted can think and ask such wonderous things. Old people. They have had a full life and every one of them is unique. I find it inspiring that they are still alive after a hard life, that they didn’t give up. People who try and kill themselves but stop. The massive willpower needed to do that is insane. That inspires me.

What do I know today that I didn’t know last year?
You can enjoy just being still, doing nothing, just sitting and letting the thoughts melt away. I learned this in the hospital.
People-watching is a valid activity.
How to walk with two walking sticks.
Never take anything for granted.
Life can change in an instant.

Not so great tbh

Things aren’t going so well in the world of me. Shocking I know. I’m constantly dizzy now. All the live long day. I also have this thing where I have to cover one eye to focus on the screen or typing which is slowly driving me mad as one-hand typing is never fun. In between the dizziness, the zoning out/sleeping thing keeps on happening.

There is some news on that front though. I spoke to the dr after she had consulted her counsel. Neurology referral which will be at least a 6-month wait and a sleep studies referral as well for good measure. What do I do till then? well, I thought I would ask the question this morning on the online booking system they have. Filled in all the information it asked for, asking if there is any medication for this (did some looking up, and there is) and please could something be done as this will drive me to suicide.

So didn’t get a same-day referral so they’ve booked me in with a different dr on the 16th. What the actual hell am I supposed to do with that. Be dizzy, zoned out, and useless till then? very frustrating. And they wonder why people end up self-medicating

I’m sick of the tired look. 8 hours. Still, look like I haven’t slept a wink, and feel it too; unable to nap as I get nasty dreams and thoughts again. Or I start hallucinating heating music or murmurs again. If there was one pill I could just take to be normal for one day I think my wife and kids would love me more.

Not sad pathetic me who does a piss poor attempt at house husband these days.


Everything is beautiful

Okay. I’ll try and empty my mind as to what was said on Saturday night and how I feel about it. We were in bed, and I was getting wound up again by things wondering why they are happening. D said “I wouldn’t blame you if you did kill yourself with everything that is going on, you know I wouldn’t feel bad if you did it” partial paraphrase as it was Saturday. It made me sad. I don’t know why but I can’t get that out of my head. The BPD kicked in on that one. If D said it’s okay then why don’t you go and do it. But the kicker is, I really don’t want to. I haven’t been properly suicidal in over a year, I haven’t made any attempts on my life and generally try and make my life worthwhile. Like working with different charities to then help other people. I am happy with my little world that I created. Or we created more like. It feels like an attack. Like throwing in the towel because of the shite I carry on my back. I have that stuff on my back but I decided to not let it stop me. That I will carry on and that I will be a productive part of society and a father to my kids.

I’m maybe reading too much into it. You could look at it and say “You’ve got all this stuff going on so o wouldn’t b… No there isn’t actually a different way. Not that I see.

Unless I become a burden or hindrance I won’t do anything. I can’t leave B without a dad and I can’t leave D, I love her too much for that. It’s sad that she knows the suicide plan, what will happen, and what to do. We had to talk about that. We had to talk about a lot of things. The sacrifices she has made to be with me, the life she would have without me.

Ugh. All I do is moan on the blog. Next post. Cheerful.